Monday, April 14, 2008

Culling the Leopard Population

As you know, the Baroness has many loves.

Ranking high near the top of the list?

Exhibit A:Leopard skin
This is not me, but I love every single
element of the outfit.
And I do honk on the bobo.

Second on the list?
Exhibit B: Eavesdropping
Again, not me.
But I have been known to also wear
a tablecloth on occasion.

At first glance, it would appear as though these two things have nothing in common. But oh ho! Do they ever.

This past weekend, I was making my usual daily rounds. Well, not really. I was actually making the morning rounds that the Baron has foisted upon me whilst he is afield. Not that I mind. In fact, I quite love it (that's for you, honey). This love, though is nearer the bottom of the list.

As I was coming out of the grocery store, a vision in leopardskin caught my eye, like a blazing beacon of fierceness in the fog of neutrality. Because The Baroness is always on the lookout for how the leopardskin is worked.

And I am most fascinated when it's not just an accessory, but a head-to-toe fashion extravaganza.

And I am over-the-moon ecstatic when the said ensemble is worn, by not a hoochie mama selling her wares in the parking lot but by a senior citizen.

Granny a go-go, baby! It gives me hope and inspiration to see that someone has not relinquished her elan, her joie de vivre once the meter clicks over to 70 years of age (give or take 10 years).

So, there she stands with her coiffed hair, and her stunning ensemble, talking to another older woman, who herself is wearing something darling: that deer-in-the-headlights look. Because this woman has mistakenly asked the Feline Goddess "How are you feeling?". I mean - really.

Where was this woman (whom we will now call DIL) when they were distributing the Senior's Handbook? It's right there on the list of Don'ts. Numero Uno: Don't ask a senior how they're feeling, if you don't want to know, and if you don't care to hear the subsequent tangential thinking that will occur.

The Leopard Lady (LL) starts to rattle off her various ailments (I guess she starts at the head and works her way down...).
I, eavesdropper extraordinare, breeze by to return my cart as she gets to the knees. LL says that her osteo-arthritis is acting up, and she's probably be going in for a knee replacement soon. DIH coos and makes appropriate sympathy noises.

As LL goes on and on about all the things she's unable to do, I can't help but quickly check out the her footwear, because - oh yeah, Baroness' Love #1:

Exhibit C: Shoes

LL was not wearing Loubs. Sad, really.

Shoehorned onto her teeny-tiny feet at the bottom of her roly-poly body were a pair of 3 inch heels. Helloo? Sweetheart? Do you think, with all of your years of accumulated wisdom, that you could possibly put 2 and 2 together, and realize that this could be partly to blame for your knee issues? That, and the fact that your Center of Gravity closed for business in about 1983. And you're kind of swaying like a sapling in a windstorm.

So much anxiety overcame me, so many accident scenarios danced through my head that I had to bravely avert my eyes from the magnetic draw of leopard skin and walk away.
The potential for imminent disaster was too much for me.

It was like a National Geographic special, where the hyenas are circling and laughing , and hope as you might that the weak will prevail, you know the outcome is not going to be favorable. I just couldn't watch anymore.

I know you can't run because of your sore knees. But for goodness sake, Leopard Lady, at least change your shoes so you can walk a little faster.


The Queen said...


Apprently LL was feeling "spring-y" wearing such a outfit to the grocery. You know its fun to watch and listen to the ones that have been there and done that.

You can learn alot of things...

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Your Majesty: Of course! I'd forgotten that old adage - March comes in like a lamb and out like a lion. Then April comes in like a leopard, and out like, um, a pork chop.

I love listening to old timers - when they get warmed up, there's no telling what they'll spill!

Mental P Mama said...

Now, if she had been wearing some Louboutins, then we could, of course, allow the griping about the knee. I mean, hello, priorities?

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Hear here, Countess MPM:

We must suffer for beauty.

For things not so beautiful, not so much.

Lisa said...

Um, were you in South Philly doing your grocery shopping? I hear the leopard spots per capita are higher here than any leopard colony on the planet. And these leopards have bright red died hair. As a matter of fact, between the red dye and the spots, some of folks look like the remnants of a hyena attack.

...Barbra Peapod Disco Bubbles (still .. always ... but now with a shorter blog address :-)

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess Babs: Did you see my comment to you on your site? The Baron and his bro are going to be in Philly (hopefully NOT hunting leopard) on Tuesday & Wednesday - are you going to a baseball/hockey game?
You guys should meet!!

Los said...

I used to love my electric blue Oakley windbreaker ... actually, I still love it ... I still own it, and am waiting patiently for it to come back in style ...

Blog Antagonist said...

It used to be that no well-dressed lady went out without heels on. I have an aunt who wears them everywhere to this day, except perhaps in her garden.

I love how heels make my legs look, but not how they make my feet feel, particularly since my feet are wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide.

I do enjoy the way a pair of beautiful high heels look though. sometimes I buy them even though I don't intend to wear them.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess BA: This aunt of yours sounds like a true lady.

I, too, like heels as I feel a need to tower over my husband (ok, you got me - I'm actually Nicole Kidman).

I'm pretty discerning about what I bring home - it better be loving my bunion or it stays in the store. And I do have more than a few closet dwellers who have betrayed me and will be worn no more...

Anonymous said...

Oh how I would have liked to have seen this woman with my own eyes. Seems like the only thing she was missing was a giant martini glass and a young man on her arm.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess Catherinette: If she had a giant martini glass and a younger man on her arm, you'd be lookin' at yours truly.

Now can you see why I was so intrigued? I have seen my future, and it involves peroxide and stilettos.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Count Los: The fact that you are aware of what is "in fashion" or not is quite refreshing. I will light a candle at the altar of fashion for the resurrection of your jacket. Just don't hold your breath, or you might end up as blue as your Oakley...

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Oh god this was hilarious! The whole "swaying like a sapling" got me!

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess NATUI - Glad you liked it - I went back and added the sapling thing when I realized that I hadn't quite properly conveyed her tippy-ness!

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