Thursday, May 1, 2008

Weighing on My Mind

The Baroness is usually reticent about splaying anything too personal out into the universe. I don't exactly know why the need for me to do this exists right now, it somehow feels necessary.

It was, in retrospect, almost inevitable. But I thought if I put it off, something miraculous would somehow happen - there's that eternal/infernal hope thing of mine rearing its pretty head again.

You may recall, from past posts, that I've mentioned I'm a big-boned gal. I'm also tall. So, for quite some time, any extra weight that I've carried around could be disguised by clever packaging, smoke, mirrors, and - of course - fabulous, distracting shoes. Also, if I'm never still for too long, no one has had the opportunity to see the sum of the parts. My great plan? Keep. Moving.

The one person who I couldn't snow with visual trickery or charm is my skeletal GP. At a recent visit when I went to ask to be tested for hypothyroidism (screw you, Oprah, and your stupid suggestions), Dr. Skin N. Bones also added a fasting glucose test to the page.

And, wouldn't ya just know it? The polls are in, and... I'm ahead of McCain! Quite the victory for the (not-so) Quiet Canadian. Oh yeah. I'm also in the danger zone for developing diabetes. Yay me. So what does this mean? In a nutshell, it means that rather than skirting the issue of losing weight, I'm now going to be placed on a highly restrictive, medically-supervised meal plan. As my doctor so charmingly put it, "We can deal with this now, and get it taken care of as soon as possible, or we can mop up the mess later".

Now how did that man know how much I hate mopping up messes? Bless him, for providing an medical alternative to housework.

Here's the thing. The last time I lost a lot of weight, I was seriously ill. And it did a number on my head. I looked thinner than I had in quite a long while. Believe me, it wasn't intentional. In fact, the huge red flag that made me worried about having colon cancer was that I just stopped being hungry. And honeys - I'm always hungry.

The reason for the visible weight loss was that was that I just stopped eating because everything went right through, so I just drank protein shakes. I should also mention here that I wanted my condition kept on the down low - one of the communities I move in seems to thrive on medical gossip, and I couldn't bear the thought of being the topic of someone's conversation. Again, in retrospect, maybe that wasn't such a fantastic decision, but I had to draw some boundaries for myself.

I was amazed when people kept coming up to me and telling me how great and beautiful I looked. Because I knew differently. And when they would ask what my secret was, how could I spill to them that I'd dropped 50 on the "Tumour-Fast" diet plan?

Now I'm faced with losing weight for health, rather than in spite of it. It's got my head spinning.

I don't know how this is all going to play out, but what I do know is that it has to work somehow. I'm out of options.

Why do I feel compelled to share with the class? One reason is this past Wednesday's post. The decision to show this poor woman's patootie has sat wrong with me since I did it. It was mean. And petty. I feel so bad. I'm a large woman. That could easily have been a picture of me. I would be so ashamed if my picture somehow made it online.

I'm just sorry I can't take back that post. But I'll delete it instead.

I guess there are just days when I have to be genuine with you all and come clean.

To paraphrase dear Momma at Poetic License, peace to you all.


11 comments:

Bubs said...

Your decision to delete that post after re-considering the ethics of the butt picture was, no pun intended, big of you. I struggle with stuff like that all the time.

Good luck with your diet regimen. A few coworkers and I are also dealing with that stuff--a number of our honor guard members have all discovered recently that we've gained anywhere from 10-30 pounds in the past year since the last time we all were in uniform together. A strange combination of factors, affecting several different male and female officers with different work assignments. It's funny, except it's not.

MommyWizdom said...

Dear Baroness, I am proud of you (if someone whom you don't know can be proud of you) for deleting that post if you felt bad about it. It is hard to say I'm sorry and short of finding that woman and apologizing personally, I believe you did the next best thing.

As far as the sharing thing, I am writing my next post about the blog being my home away from home... unfortunately that make it the entire world wide web... but anyway...

And as far as your medical issue - everyone has medical issues - and I applaud your doctor for being so forthright. I find that nowadays doctors are so afraid to get sued for telling you the truth that they don't tell you the truth and secretly hope you'll die before you figure it out. Was that bitter?

Lol. Anyway, I know if you start your regimen now you'll make it work... Like you said, things always work out in the end. And now you have your readership to support you. :-)

Sandi said...

Wow--you are a VERY nice person. I will go on record stating that I found that picture funny.

I know what you mean about the weight loss thing. After my husband died a very image-conscious parent of a student commented on how great I looked for having two children so young. Unlike you, because I am NOT a nice person, I looked her in the eye and stated, "I lost a lot of weight after my husband died." She shut-up.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Count Bubs: I guess its the Zen master in me coming out (or the highly unflattering upskirt picture of me making the er, rounds).

As for the work phenomenon, blame it on corn syrup. Everyone else does.

Countess MoWi: I guess the heading should have been "What was I thinking?". Nuff said about that.

Thanks so much for the encouragement and support - I love my core group of regulars - it's kind of like "Cheers" of the blogging world.

Countess Sandi: I wish I could be so direct. You are one strong lady!
I cheer you on daily.

maggie, dammit said...

Our society often chooses illness over fat, often compliments the sick or the sad, looks at weight loss as a silver lining to so many dark clouds (think "divorce diet".)

This is a brave post, and a good one. I'm wishing you health, not thinness. Health.

Asthmagirl said...

Now I shall feel grateful that the bulk of my comments addressed her trousers and their inappropriatness for her body type...not her size.
I'm hardly one to talk size given the weight the steroids have loaded on in the last five years.

Your doctor sounds like mine... no minced words, no easing into the matter. Just the facts ma'am.
I'm sorry that the matter has been decided for you however. When we're younger it seems we're in charge of all the important stuff with our bodies. As we mature, it seems that our bodies start making some of the decisions...
Here's hoping that the weight comes off and the glucose becomes less of an issue. I'll be rooting for you!

Crunchy Carpets said...

I have yet to have an illness that stopped me eating...wtf??
Even pneumonia didn't stop me.

So yes..I am big boned (and carry it well too)..but my doc seems to think I am fine and hasn't checked me or lectured me yet...even with me having babies and all that...

Mental P Mama said...

I am right on the same seat of the bus with you. I wish I had enjoyed my healthy younger self a little bit more...I think once the shock of how little we have to say about what our bodies do at this point, that life actually becomes very simple and easy. At least that's what I'm banking on. ;)

Not Afraid to Use It said...

I find it interesting that everyone is jumping on the "good for you for deleting the post" train. For me? It never even occurred to me that the woman was "big". Hell, she looks live 75% of the women I see on a daily basis. I was under the impression we were laughing at how hideous her jeans were because frankly those jeans would have been frightful on ANYONE no matter what their size or body shape.

I hope everyone who is uncomfortable with making fun of fat people should remember that the next time they tell a blonde joke or say someone is stupid because she is a blonde. It is just as deplorable to assume intellect and ability is tied to the color of ones hair as it is to assume a fat woman must be stupid or lazy.

Lisa said...

As someone who has never been big-boned, just plain ole fat, I can completely empathize with the head-spins associated with the pressure of having to diet. In fact, I was so bad at it and let myself get so far out of control, I ended up making the decision to have a gastric bypass surgery. Not the right solution for everyone, but for me it's been the best thing I've ever done. 140 pounds lighter, I'm still a pear and will never be skinny, but I feel like a new woman and have vowed to respect my body and my health.

As for making fun of the anonymous butt in the picture you posted ... well, don't be too hard on yourself. Making fun of somebody for being big is entirely different than commenting on their decision to walk around in unflattering clothes that don't fit. Looking like you are wearing a powdered donut on your ass deserves a point n chuckle.

You're cool Baronnes, and very sweet.

...Barbra Peapod

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess Maggie: Yes, the motives of vanity are long gone. Health is my new driving force.

Countess AG: Thank you for the encouragement - I wonder, too, how much bloat is from the inhalers I use. I'm very interested to see how quickly all of the benefits touted come to fruition.

Countess Crunchy: May you never meet an illness that takes that away. The funny thing (hardy har har) is that everything else is pristine - my heart, my cholesterol, my cancer tracers. Just this one thing has tripped me up. Like I said, I think it was just a matter of time. Age doth sucketh.

Countess MPM: The less choices, the better. I don't want to wallow around in a plethora of plans, charts, options. Just tell me what to do. I'm extremely good at following instructions.

And damned if they weren't bang on - youth is indeed wasted on the young.

Countess NATUI: i agree that what drew me initially to the picture was the quality of the bleach butt jeans themselves. But the more I saw it, the more I realized that it could be construed as a combination of her size and what she was wearing. I don't know - I just felt mean. This was a misstep from me; I should be more concerned with celebrating beauty rather than highlighting what I alone may perceive to be an awkward fashion choice.

And for the record, I don't do blonde jokesm for I know a good share of blazingly intelligent blondes.

Countess Babs: On the road with Peapod Kerouac! I am so happy for you that your decision turned your health issues around. And that you feel so much more invigorated. So you can travel to faboo events and let us live vicariously through you! You RAWK!! Keep going, hon.
And have another Backside Brekkie for me!

 
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