Sunday, September 14, 2008

How About That?

One of the few benefits of being an only child is that I learned from an early age how to amuse myself.

I do it quite well.

And I have to say, somewhat proudly, that as I read back on some of my earlier posts - I find myself highly amusing.

One of the things that I've missed doing is the inane, goofy "holidays" that some may not be aware of.

I consider it sort of my civic duty to inform my fellow Citizens of the World. Or Citizens of the Month.

3 really important dates coming up this week include:

Monday, September 15th - "National Woman Road Warrior Day"
This day I dedicate to all of the moms who, when those xygotes first got together in the womb, dreamed of an idyllic existence. Full of loving nurturance, provision of nutritious food, gentle schooling on the subtle nuances of social mores and ethos.

Very few had the thought cross their mind that, while not only perhaps commuting themselves back and forth to work, they would become their darling children's personal chauffeur.

And sadly, there is no 18% tip included in the cost of service.

So instead of a flowery meadow/gentle warm breeze scenario, we have mothers screaming at the top of their lungs that the kids only have 2 minutes to get their ass into gear and out the door for their soccer/lacrosse/football/ballet/Baby Einstein lessons. And the kids are screaming back - "Where are my cleats/shoulder pads/toe shoes/extra Pampers?"


Recognition should also be given to the geniuses who plan all of the said education to start either 20 minutes after children get home for school (assuming they don't dawdle), or during dinner time when rush hour traffic is in full swing.

Here's to you, Road Warrior Mamas - for co-ordinating, equipping, cheerleading, and feeding your children. Your reward? An opportunity for you to ditch the mini-van, and get on something that will get you to your destination in record time:

(photo credit here)

Tuesday, September 16th - "International Day for Preservation of the Ozone"
Hair fashionistas out there, bad news.

Today, you will have to forgo your usual 2 minute application of CFC-laden hairspray. Don't fret, honey - you needn't worry about flat head.

I hear from my punk friends that either an egg yolk/sugar/water mixture, or gelatin/water/blowdryer work wonders. You may actually have enough "strong hold" with this to last you through the week (getting it out is a little tricky - the key word here is "patience")(and lots of hot water and conditioner)(and maybe a cocktail)(or five).

Young Men/Men/Old Men: For the love of all that's holy, please ditch the "Axe" body spray.

A little hint here? The only women who really love it? Yuh. They work in the marketing department.

Of "Axe" Body Spray.


Speaking of Gar...

Friday, September 19th - "Talk Like a Pirate Day"
When I first saw this as a sidebar in Not Afraid To Use It's page, I thought it was a bit of a inside joke. After all, her son had just had a pirate-themed birthday party.

But, there really is such a day. The link here is fantastic - it even tells you how to talk like a German pirate.

I was not aware that Germany had its fair share of piracy, but just in case - forewarned is forearmed.

The von B's have a huge affection for talking like pirates - at least of the literary kind(the Baroness herself, on a good day, talks like a longshoreman)(Not that longshoremen are pirates - they just both are near water)(Oh, shut up).

We spent many an hour reading Tin Tin books when the Dukes were younger - some of their first phrases were "Blistering Blue Barnacles!" courtesy of Captain Haddock (OK, he wasn't a pirate either)(I don't personally know any pirates - I'm reaching here, people - just go with it, ok?).

Avast ye, mateys - make yourselves a road-rage-free, ozone-full, eye-patch, peg-legged week!

With Affection,
The Baroness


Mental P Mama said...

Thanks for the notice. I plan on celebrating all three. With a vengeance.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess MPM: Yar.

(please send photos of your hair!)

{i}Post said...

Argh my matey. Yur tags make-a me laugh. Okay, so i can't talk pirate, but Lord how i could use that mean driving machine!

Cormac Brown said...

But didn't Captain Haddock have an ancestor that was a pirate? I never read that Tintin, but I remember the painting with his likeness as a pirate.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess iPost: WHO said you can't talk pirate, doll? You are doing a great job!! As for that ride, not great on gas, but can 4 x 4 over a Hummer...

Count Cormac: You, sir, are correct, and have jogged my fuzzy Tin Tin memory bank (it used to come on at 6:30 in the morning when the boys were little...)I believe the good captain's name was Rackham - Red Rackham.

(I personally had a secret crush on Professor Calculus, and wished I could sing like Bianca Castafiore).

Leah Erridge said...

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO celebrating talk like a pirate day.
Eff man, I'm marking that on my calender.

Thank you Baroness!!

RiverPoet said...


There's a little somethin' for ya over at me blog, matey!

Peace - D

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess Schmee: Pass the word around - maybe post the website address around your school.

We will only achieve greatness once everyone is talking like a pirate in unison!

Countess D: Yar! Thank you so much for the props. You are so very kind to me.

Neil said...

It's Talk Like a Pirate Day... already! It just felt like yesterday...

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Count Neil: What the hell ye be yapping about, me hardy? Did I get the date wrong? I have 2 sources that say the 19th.

Or maybe I'm missing the point about how it seems just like yesterday when you were a pirate. Or in "Pirates of the Caribbean".

Or just in the Caribbean. You're spitting distance, nu?

Cormac Brown said...

Oh, wait, I did read "Red Rackham's Treaure," didn't I? That had the shark submarine (God, I wanted one of those) and didn't one of the Thompson Twins say they were going on the wrong course, then gave Haddock the coordinates to Westminster Abbey?

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Count Cormac: Dude - your memory. It's kind of freaky. I don't remember too much, as I was usually passing out along with the kid while reading at bedtime. Kind of hard to follow the story line.


I did manage to score an AMAZING Bianca Castifiore (remember her) t-shirt for myself at the Tin Tin store in Bruges (I love that place!!)

I. Am. Casifiore...

Cormac Brown said...

You might fancy yourself a diva, but you are too delightful for that and believe me when I say that you are no Castifiore, or your blog traffic would be nil.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Count Cormac: Or....

...maybe my Castifiore siren song is soo-o-o-o captivating that traffic just magically flocks to my site without knowing why.

And I could SO rock that diamond!!

(alright, already. I'm no diva. Sue me.)

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