Friday, January 25, 2008

If I Ruled The World

Show of hands, dear readers. Who among you have never said these words at least once in your colorful lifetimes? Anyone? Anyone? (Bueller?). Hmm. I thought as much.

Today, the Baroness will begin to outline her plan for global domination, one nit-picky step at a time. Before I begin, you may notice an absence of the big-ticket items – hunger, disease, freedom, peace – missing from my list. Rest assured that these would be the Baroness’ first order of business. The following partial list is just the glowing-red-shiny-organically-dyed cherry on top. Without further ado, here goes:

When I rule the world (in no particular order, because –hey, it’s my world):

1. Vacuum-packed coffee bags will have some sort of nifty opening device. Maybe voice-activated. (i.e. COFFEE, dammit!)
Because when the Baroness is craving her first cup of the day, she so does not want to be wrestling open a seal originally patented for underwater rescue vessels. I have the hand strength of a newborn and yes, as a matter of fact, I am afraid to use it.

2. My local groceteria will actually carry foodstuffs I see advertised in modern-day magazines.
While I admire what I imagine to be cost-saving decisions that trickle down to moi the consumer, I don’t think it’s too much to ask that when I’m looking for a chicken marinade, I can find one that wasn’t first introduced during the “Best of Bridge” decade. Frankly, I have no idea how long that brand has been around, frankly I don’t care and frankly again, this facility is beginning to remind me of some quaint small town general store. In Slavic back country. (Free bonus at point of purchase: a mustard poultice!) Step it up, already.

3. Meetings will be timely, efficient, well-run and productive.
Poor, passé Robert. When you first wrote your rules, I bet that everyone was chomping at the bit to follow along. Now, sadly, you’re a dinosaur. Practically Pliocene. I do think of you, really I do, as I watch that 2 ½ hours of my life do a smug little “see ya later – not” dance and merrily skip out the door. As for you jerks who always swan in late and remind us of how busy your lives are, TFB. The meeting’s already started. Yes, without you. Gasp.

4. A global sense of humor will prevail, and clever jokes will never need to be explained.
Have you ever tried to explain a joke? Not only are you trying in vain to educate the village idiot, you’re giving him a front row seat to watch any humor whatsoever begin to hemorrhage out of said joke until it is a withered, desiccated shell of frivolity. R.I.P., funny.

5. No more advertisements will say of their product/activity/philosophy: “Great for the Kids!”, or “Kids will Love It!”
A dead giveaway that this will be the anathema of child enjoyment. A discovery we we will make only after, of course, we’ve partaken of its allure. And that would be the non-refundable type of partaking, suckahs.

Blick. Ack. Cough cough. Ahem. There now, that’s better. The Baroness has successfully rid herself of yet another set of annoyances stuck in her craw. What about you? What irksomeness would you change if YOU ruled the world? Share with the class. Only good can come of it. Think of your craw.


t_cole said...

It must be going 'round as I have been thinking how my own world domination would work. I had a whole list the other day - of pet peeves. And of course, now that the pressure is on - can't remember any - save one. In my perfect world all grocery bag boy/girls would KNOW not to put raw meat (esp. chicken) into the same bag with prepared foods (lunch meat, cheese)
This drives me batty...

That's all i got.

that and thanks for dropping by. Your update cracked me up on many levels - but specifically the metamucil reference. My bestest girlfriend (AKA the nurse pratitioner) just told me YESTERDAY to start taking this. i kid you not!


The Guv'ner said...

I once had an entire website dedicated to what I'd do once I became God, which is pretty much the same thing. It involved much selfishness and fun and things like mandatory sleeping in till at least 10am every day and working a 2 day week and anyone flaunting these rules could expect my special squad of robotic policemen to come around and insert an orange in your anus. It also stated that it was wrong to be French, cake was to be nutritious and calorie free and basically all policies related to making my life as easy and luxurious as possible. Also I had a list of people who would hereby be sent to a desert island forever to free the rest of us from their nasty. It would be a particularly large island - maybe we could use Australia - and it would be an extensive list of ne'er do wells and deviants (like Sean Hannity and Lindsay Lohan) and they'd be left to fend for themselves far from the lives of decent people.

There would be a lot of chocolate pudding in this new world too.

Lisa said...

Ahhh,so many things ... so little space. However, the first thing that popped into my head was making TV commercials optional as you watch the tube.

I'm 100% on board with the meeting thing, especially since I spend the majority of my work week in the damn things. ...BPDB

Pioneering in PA said...

Found you through Scarlett, although I know I've seen you comment on other blogs I frequent. For some reason WWoW comes to mind, but who knows?

I don't have a list of If I Ruled the World things, although I'm sure that the list I DO have falls into the same category.

I want to be THE person who makes the decisions. Like, the one who says that 2+2 REALLY equals chocolate, strawberries, and YOU+ME having a good time. Seriously though, I have an inferiority complex when I have to follow rules because if I were the one making them, they would be much more entertaining.

Stop lights wouldn't be all nice and orderly. It would be like the old childhood game of Red Light/Green Light. *sigh* I can just SEE the chaos!! Gas, brake, gas, brake.. oops! Mr. White Toyota, you're OUT! Go to the back of the line. Hope you didn't have an important meeting today.

Us Evil minded bloggers should stick together. *wink*

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