Saturday, March 15, 2008

How About That?

Greeting from chez Bloggenschtern, y'all. The Baroness has settled back in to everyday life again, and is trying very hard to re-establish routine. For, while no one is about to admit to anything without a hard chair, a bare lightbulb and a severe browbeating, I can only assume that chaos reigned supreme during my absence. If there had been a few stray typewriters around, a Shakespear-esque play could have perhaps been written. And that is entirely ok. Pandemonium and anarchy have a place. Just not anymore. And just not here. You see, the Baroness rules with an iron fist. Draped, of course, in a lovely robin's egg blue satin opera glove replete with diamond Hello Kitty ring. If one must rule, one must rule with style. Be in awe of me. And beware.

Saturday, March 15th
So Brutus and Julius Caesar are on an elevator, and they start fighting because Julius is taking too long to press the button for the floor. Brutus (who, if all accounts from Popeye are correct, is on steroids) gets disproportionately irate and stabs Caesar. "Et tu, Brute?", Julius cries out before collapsing. "No, you damn idiot", says Brutus, "I moved to A3 last month." Something other than the power of the Baroness' mad joke-telling skills (and with far more historical mojo) to beware of - The Ides of March. Not to be confused with the March of Dimes, which I believe also happens some time around now. It is said that the Ides bring funky things. There is evil vibe-y voodoo lurking around. Here's hoping that you were able to side-step this, or at least were able to get most of it off your shoe if it could not be avoided. Because really - the smell of voodoo can taint your whole world. Hence the warning.

For those who still have a hour or two left in the day for some pillow talk, today is also True Confessions Day. Embrace this opportunity to enlighten those around you about what really is going on. I would suggest that you choose your audience wisely, though - no lawyers or police present. Let's not be stupid here. Unburdening your soul = edgy, honest. Revealing the truth + detectives = 5 to 10, with chance of parole in 7.

Sunday, March 16th
When one is describing someone's features, there is a characteristic often overlooked. Today is the designated day for changing all of that - it's Lips Appreciation Day. The very thought of suggesting to you the many ways you could appreciate these fleshy wonders leaves me giddy. For those who can appreciate another's lips and vice versa -have at 'er. For those appreciating their own lips, treat yourself to an upscale version of lip balm. You are so worth it. Look at those! They're awesome. Especially when you do that thing. You know. How you keep the middle straight and turn up the ends? Magnificent.

"In a perfect world...". How many times have you wished for this? Well, I wave my magic wand and voila! For twenty-four whole hours, you get your wish. Today is also Everything You Do is Right Day. Perfect for teenagers and their parents alike. Because, in the unperfect world, teens can do no wrong, and their parents are ruining their lives on an hourly basis. Gawd-dah, mother! Enjoy this brief period of self-imposed bliss. Tommorrow we return to the regularly scheduled programming. Sigh.

If you are getting your Pinot Grigio on, or perhaps dining on a delightful PB &J sanny, there is a fine fellow to whom thanks are due. According to legend, a fine fellow by the name of St. Urho once chased the grasshoppers out of Finland, thereby saving their grape crops. I was not aware that Finland had a large grape industry, but there you have it. Today is St. Urho's Day - you're supposed to wear green (for the grasshoppers) and purple (for the grapes). Maybe you can just drink enough grape-related product until you're a little green around the gills. Close enough.

Monday, March 17th
Yeah, yeah. We know about that Patrick guy. He's a real saint. He's fouled up the beer supply and his eyes are smiling. There are other things going on as well, you know.

Like how about this? It's Submarine Day. Make a sandwich. Or fill your bathroom precariously close to the rim, and dive, dive, dive. Or watch Das Boot in a closet (to get that heady airless feeling). So many ways to celebrate.

Were you aware that it's also the anniversary of the invention of the rubber band (1845)? Just think for a minute about all the myriad of activities that can be done with a rubber band. Can your St. Patrick propel a balsa wood plane, or cut off the circulation to your finger, or bundle up a pile of old love letters?

Hmm. Thought not.


Lisa said...

Thanks for the tip on rubberband day! I think they're gross and smelly (don't ask me why I've sniffed a rubberband), but Davey Dogs is a rubberband freak. I can't let this occasion pass without making some love notion made entirely from his favorite office supply!

....Barbra Peapod

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess Babs: You nearly got a lawsuit on your hands, lady (and the first order of business will be procuring Blanta...) - I snorted hot coffee out of my nose with that whole "love notion" comment. You know how you can fool around with elastics using them for fun facelifts? Maybe that works on other areas as well - I'm off to go try for some boobage boosting!

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I do LOVE that my dad still brings me goodies and I'm 38! But it's not really the fact that he brings me's that he thought of me during his time away.

I love that!!

But the pink wiener clock IS ADORABLE!!

Hallie :)

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Glad to have you back! The kingdom just wasn't the same.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess NATUI: For those readers not quite up to speed, that would be the Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom.

Lisa said...

Dearest Blanta-Loving Baronness .... I have not forgotten that I owe you a photo of Blanta. As soon as I figure out how to get my pictures off this camera and onto my computer, I'll post him. (Babs is definitely not very technically saavy!) .... Barbra Peapod

Scarlett Wanna Be said...

Currantly, I am wearing green, I have my hair in a pony tail with a rubber band, and I am married to a submariner! Who new how festive I could be?!

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess Lisa: Just remember - technology can be your friend (at least that is what my superior, plugged-in sons tell me).

Countess Scartlett - It's you! Yay!
And would I expect any less from Ms. Life O'The Party? You can bet your blarney stone I wouldn't.

pistols at dawn said...

My love for saints propels the balsa wood plane of my heart.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Count Pistols: Words to describe your eloquence escape me like a balloon from a small child's hand street side at a St. Patrick's Day parade.

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