Friday, March 21, 2008

Turn That Racket Down!

At dinner the other evening, I was illuminated by the von Bloggenschtern children regarding what they thought was age-appropriate behavior for a Baroness of my many years. Apparently, I don't measure up in this department, and my joyful and capricious spirit is not representative of my biological age (if these gentlemen have such definite ideas about women, their mother doesn't have the heart to tell them that they're in for a world of hurtin'). But, in deference to Duke 1, who thinks I should act "crotchety and sour" and should complain incessantly about anything and everything, here goes. Please be patient and bear with me as I adjust my dentures and take my arthritis medicine. Ahem:

" You there. Yes you - thuggish youth type who just drove up to the house 2 doors down in your souped up, mufflerless vehicle. If you were to actually take a moment and actually think about it, would you still maintain that all of us want to hear Kanye West blaring out the rolled-down windows of your car? Think again, dear. I know that you're at an age where you're asserting both your independence and your personality. Frankly, I don't care. What I know is that I was having a pleasant time out in my yard, doing my gardening until you burst on to the scene. Take your noise and go park it at some street meet like I saw in "The Fast and the Furious". Oh, one more thing before you get back into your car and peel out, may I just say that I think your hoody is about 20 sizes too big? Oh, and pull up your damn pants. I don't care to see where you bought your boxers from. What I do care about is that you're loud. That you're trying so hard to be ghetto in a middle-upper class suburb, and your true street cred sadly has approximately the same worth as mine where it matters. I care that you aren't being true to yourself, and your pretending is a silly, dangerous act. I do care that you might not have someone of influence in your life to tell you all of this.

I do care that I have to write this instead of telling you face to face how ridiculous you are acting and dressing, because I don't care to get stabbed or shot. "

How's that? Cranky enough for you, sonny? Now if you'll all excuse me - it's almost 4pm, and I have to get changed to be ready in time for the early bird special.


Asthmagirl said...

Dearest Baroness Von B...
May I join you for the early bird special? I just love that sweet bowl of peas they serve with the meat loaf... the ones that come with the attractive little onions. Plus I like going early when it's not excessively busy. You know how my ankles swell when I sit for too long.
Perhaps afterwards, we can go shopping for some new bunion pads?

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess AG:

Myself, I'm partial to the cream of wheat/grits (don't tell the waitress at Denny's, but I bring in my own flaxseed to mix in). After bunion pads shopping, let's go to Walgreens - they've got a limited time special on Depends and Tiger Balm, and I have a hot date later with William from del Boca Vista - I've got to be ready for anything!

Sandi said...

I had a student a few years back who was very much like the young man you describe here. I was very pregnant at the time and one day I just had it. I yelled at him that he was white and middle class and not only was he acting like an idiot, but he was insulting every African-American I had ever known, none of whom spoke that way, walked that way or dressed that way.

The Queen said...

OH I love your blog!!
And amen on the 20 sizes to big clothes on kids!

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Too true. When you have to weigh getting stabbed versus giving your opinion, staying quiet gets my vote every time.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess Sandi: Good on ya for speaking your mind - you're far braver than me. They have metal detectors at schools now, right?

Your Majesty: Welcome, fellow royal! So very nice to have you drop by the vonB principality.

Countess NATUI: Sad but unfortunate a fact of life. There has been a rash of unprovoked stabbings in our neck of the woods - who knows what a little bit of crabbing would do? I'm so lame.

Lisa said...

I seriously don't understand those pants that don't even cover the butt. What up with that???? Nobody seems to be interested in their waist anymore -- girls or boys. Pants never come up to the waist ... or even close to it. It's all about showing your arse crack. I say, bring back the waistline... take back the crack!
....Barbra Peapod

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess Babs:

To quote the great Whitney Houston -
"Crack is whack!"

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