Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The Circus You Can't Give Tickets Away For

Yat-da-da-da-da-da-da- duh-dah

Ladeeeeeeees and Gentlemen! Boys and Girls! Welcome One, and Welcome All to the Magnificent Monthly von Bloggenschtern HOR-MO-NAL CIR-CUS!!!

Today we'll witness the highs! The lows! The thrilling! The death-defying! The terrifying! All in the span of a single afternoon.

If you would all be so kind as to move forwards in your chairs, and then find a comfortable spot, because this is where you'll all be folks - ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEATS!!!! Be attentive! Be aware!

Look up to the left, everybody. Can't see anything going on in Ring #1? Look up. WA-A-A-AY up.

Our first act of the day will be two fearless trapeze acrobats, all the way from South of the Border - Senorita Sadness and Diego Disappointment! They're 100 dizzying feet up in the air, and ready to jump. The Senorita waits and watches, an-n-n-n-nd she's off! She's started her swing. Back and forth, back and forth.

Here comes Diego. He's off his perch. Now he's swinging back and forth, back and forth. Both acrobats are spinning and hanging and swaying to and fro from their respective trapezes. You all should be aware, these two will come close - so close. BUT! They never, ever, EVER touch each other. To do so would cause an explosion so violent, your teeth would fall right out of your heads.

On to the ring on the right. Here comes the our Ringmaster, the Baroness, somehow even making white jodphurs look sophisticated, and wearing a fierce sequined coat. And there's three barrels in the ring. What do you suppose these are for kids? What? I can't hear you!

LIONS! You're right, and here they come now - killing machines direct from the Serengeti Plains of Africa.

We call this ring the Ring of Hunger. Why? You'll soon see. CRACK! The Baroness wields her whip, and each of the lions climbs up on his own barrel. Do you see them snarl? Can you hear their growls? CRACK! The Baroness is having none of this. Do you see her snarl? Can you hear her stomach growl? Like magic, all of the lions but one have calmed down. Leo is giving her trouble today, folks - maybe he's having a bad hair day. Haw Haw Haw.

Here comes Pyro the Clown with the torch to light the Ring of Fire. This is getting exciting! The lions have trained for years to be able to overcome their fear of flames - and with the Baroness in charge, they know to listen to what she says.

Wait a minute! The Baroness has passed right by the Ring of Fire. What is she doing? She's lighting up something else - ooh, this is getting good! It's the Rotisserie of Fire. I think that the Baroness has plans for that misbehaving Leo. Sure enough - CRACK! The Baroness, in one fell swoop has beheaded Leo with her whip and is roasting him on the spit.

And just like the savage animals she has spent so much time taming, the Baroness is on a feeding frenzy! Leo has been picked clean - no salads for this lady of the ring!! What's that, Baroness? You need some potato chips? I'll get some down to you right away.

Here comes a fire engine to put out the Rotisserie - out come the clowns. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6! Don't forget Tiny, the Mini Fire Marshall - he's #7 - he may be small, folks, but he knows how to handle the hose!

Out come the seltzer bottles - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 - but wait, the Baroness is stomping over to the fire clowns. With a single laser-sharp look, they're all rushing to get back into their truck and drive away.

The Baroness storms over to the center ring - the Big Top of Anger. Crack! Again her sound of her whip crackles the air, and raises the hair on the back of everyone's neck. Out rush a small army of acrobats.

Each one representative of an annoyance of the Baroness. On the base - Ophelia Obligation. Next to her is Penelope Perimen O' Pause. Next to her, from Poland, Lech F. Respect. Next to him, Walter Weightgain. Rounding out the bottom is Bounder Rees. Oops, I see here from my updated program there will be no Bounder Rees today. In fact, it says here that his return is uncertain. This absence seems to only make the Baroness more angry? Is that possible? Oh, ho, ho! I guess it is!!

I tell you, that's just the start. With the other 256 Limber Lucys, they're about to make the world's largest human pyramid, folks. From the ground right up to the dizzying heights of the tippy top of the tent. And they won't budge. They won't fall. They'll just stay there, in position - like some wonderment of art. To look at. To fume at. To shake a fist at.

That's the end of the von Bloggenschtern Hormonal Circus for today, folks. We're so glad you came to witness the spectacle.

Come back soon - we're here all week!



Not Afraid to Use It said...

Damn hon! I am sorry you are feeling so all over the place. I am just down in the dumps with the ladder pulled up. So I've got NOTHING to cheer you up. Except that I wish you'd roasted the clown because all clowns are evil and must die.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess NATUI: WHY didn't I even think of roasting clowns? Sh*t, yet another oversight to throw on the pile. I guess I'm just craving a good lean steak. Clowns? Too fatty...

Becky said...

That is a trip! Walter Weightgain? hahahahaha

Oh goodness...that is one thing that I don't want tickets for! ;)

Yes maam...clowns are too fatty...and sometimes a little rubbery too. :)

Roast the lean little trapeze artists.

The Maid

Mental P Mama said...

Bounder Rees...Too funny. I think they ran off with mine.

Anonymous said...

Oh no!! This is hilarious!!!! I think Bounder Rees and the potato chips were my favorite.

Asthmagirl said...

Along with Bounder Rees, I'm stuck on the Pyro the Clown. Can he point the flame thrower at the laggards that don't have sense enough to run for the exits when the hormones are raging? And where are the stampeding elephants!

Wow, Asthmagirl is a little blood thirsty today. Good to know...

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess Becky: Clowns - rubbery.
V. funny, indeed! As for the lean acrobats - I would think it would be like eating jerky.

Countess MPM: They who? Is it those cows of yours? Because I know that they look cute and all, but who knows what they're up to when y'all are sleeping...

Countess Gina: Yup, potato chips are sure my favorite. Too bad I won't be having them for the next, oh I don't know, billion years. Wah.

Countess AG: Those poor laggards of which you speak. I would imagine it's like watching a train wreck - you know for your safety and well-being you should flee, but you just can't move.

As for the stampeding elephants, I always seem to forget those guys - it must be because they're grey and kind of blend in to the scenery.

Momma said...

Ohhh, I'm having some of that circus at my place, too. If I have one more hot flash, I just might have to roast clowns myself!

Peace - D

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess Momma: Clowns=fatty; lions=sizzling goodness. Unless of course you're speaking metaphorically and have a particular clown in mind...

Then I would have to say, Flame On!

Writeprocrastinator said...

Hilarioius stuff!

Though I ran out of cotton candy.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Count WP: No problemo, buddy! See that clown over there? He has a whole room full of cotton candy, back at his trailer. Just follow him...

(Clowns - the true sideshow geeks)

Writeprocrastinator said...

Grrrrrr, I cannot stand clowns.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Count WP: It does not appear as though anyone, grrrr, can stand clowns. So why, I wonder, does this scourge subset of society exist? Must. Go. Wiki.

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