Sunday, September 28, 2008

How About That?

Question: Why is it that most of the friends/acquaintances/Baroness syncophants who encouraged me to write "something" in the first place don't even read this blog?

I know they have computers - I've seen them. I have even, on occasion, received an e-mail from them - so they're not complete techo-peasants.

Too bad for them that they'll miss today's post.

Hmmm. With such very important information abounding, too...

Consider yourselves off of my dedication page of my book. And when I say "you", you know who you are.

There is still time to redeem yourself, though, as my birthday is right around the corner (note that expense incurred should be in triple proportion to guilt)(if, in fact, you have a conscience at all.)

Jumping off the bitterness train, and moving right along...

Sunday, September 28 - Daytime
Those of you on the right half of North Amurrcka still have some sunlight left to get this holiday under your pleather belt - "Hug a Vegetarian Day". Aww, so sweet.

Yes, they have feelings too. Sometimes, more than us. I hear tell that some can actually hear a vegetable scream as it's ripped from the ground. Freaky. Definitely in need of comforting there.

The vonB's, in fact, are having a vegetarian for dinner this evening. With some pinto beans and a nice Cabernet (we ran out of favas and Chianti after the last vegetarian get-together).

But I'll make sure we all hug him first.

Sunday, September 28 - Evening
Teeny tiny lucite platform shoes (that was for you, MPM). Check.

4", small-diameter aluminum pole? Check.

Miniature thong underwear? Check.

You are now ready for "Fish Tank Floorshow Night".

I have no idea how this whole thing started. Part of me wants to; part of me does so not want to.

Cue the DJ - it's "Chicka Chicka Whanwh Whanwh" music time. Ooooh, the lights are dimming - get the dollar bills* at the ready, kids!

(*please note we will not be celebrating this holiday in Canada, as we have no longer use paper $1 bills; the coins could potentially weigh down Goldy, rendering useless her newly-acquired Carmen Electra PoleFit Aerobics moves).

Thursday, October 2nd
"National Custodial Workers Day". If you can't honor these humble men and women just because, please do it for The Baroness. You see, her dad was a high school custodian in his pre-retirement years, and would bring home such tales of disrespect and digusting acts, all I can say is "Gah".

Oh, and also, "What the hell is the matter with you awful children?. Clean up your own damn mess for a change. Pigs." (ooh, I sounded a little Alec Baldwin there!)

So, do a little extra kindness to some cleaning staff today. Sure, it will totally freak them out, but deep down, they will be feeling it. I guaran-damn-tee it.

Friday, October 3rd
"World Smile Day".

Oh, how I wanted to spew out my conspiracy theory about dentists and the manufacturers of all those crack-laced whitening strips.

Or how the food manufacturers are in cahoots to make food that rots and stains dentin verr--r-r-y slowly over time.

But I won't.

Because that would sound ka-razy, right?

Plus, I don't think that this is really in the spirit of the day.

Instead, I urge you to take a moment to make that humanistic eye-to-eye connection, and hand out your beautiful smiles freely and often. Just be careful, 'kay?

Have an inspired/inspiring/inspirational week, everyone!

Affectionately,
Baroness von B

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

just because I don't leave a post doesn't mean I haven't read your blog. I being the "you know who you are persona". Who else would get you Paula Dean's Butt Message spice.......I know you can write it is what you were born to do. My comments seems bland and boring compared to your wit. So I sit back and read and drink in your creativity and know that I am lucky to be coounted in your minion

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess Anonymous: Ooh, and YOU'RE not even who I was referring to! Guilty much?

But you can get me an ultra-expensive birthday present anyways... HAH!

And BTW, lady, are you whacked? You have wit up the yin-yang (which, of course, has been tenderized by Paula Dean Butt Massage rub...).

Lisa said...

I like me some vegetarian dishes, but could NEVER be a vegeterian of any kind. I heart my proteins alot!! And you know, I don't really get those vegetarians that still eat chicken and fish .... how can you call yourself a vegetarian if you eat that stuff? Doesn't it just mean you don't like beef? I'm just sayin ...

babspeapod

A Spot of T said...

I'm a complete stranger and I comment. Ok I've only commented 2 or 3 times but that's umpteen more times then I usually comment on anyone's blog. There. Bet you're feeling all warm and fuzzy inside now.

{i}Post said...

i comment! Aren't i enough? And when is you birthday specifically?

Mental P Mama said...

WOOT! Thanks for the lucite shout out. Just strappin' em on for a fun evening. lol I just laughed so hard I made myself a little sick.

PS: I think you would make a gud Amurrckan;)

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess Babs: Let me tell you - that vegetarian DID taste just like chicken.

Strange.

Countess of T: You are not a COMPLETE stranger; we're both native Albertans, fer god's sake! And I am so appreciative that you have de-lurked. It's just so lovely.

As for feeling warm and fuzzy? Yes. Yes I am. It is not officially Fall, and the deadline for clean-shaven legs has passed for another year. I'm plenty toasty, for sure.

Countess iPost: Dahling! You ARE enough, most surely!! (the shot was made to someone who literally never reads this - aren't I the effectively assertive one?) Specifically, my birthday is in November (yes, I'm a Scorpio - so?).

I like to drag it out slowly and painfully for an entire month...

Countess MPM: Ever since you started in w/the Lucite Luddite, or whatever you call her, I see her or her footwear EVERYWHERE. It's kind of freaking me out. I just love the idea of a fish in shoes.

Riding a bicycle.

WOOT to that, sister girl!

Cormac Brown said...

And why do I keep coming back here?

"The vonB's, in fact, are having a vegetarian for dinner this evening. With some pinto beans and a nice Cabernet (we ran out of favas and Chianti after the last vegetarian get-together). But I'll make sure we all hug him first."

Pure gold.

"Miniature thong underwear? Check."

I'd make a joke about having dollar bills at the ready, but I'll be banished from the blog by you, if not hunted down by The Baron like some cornered game in the Royal Hunting Grounds.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Count Cormac: And THIS is exactly why I love having readers like you - you force me to bring my "A" game, when I'm really just so damned lazy.

As for the Baron and hunting, he has been reading "The Most Dangerous Game" and laughing maniacally....

Cormac Brown said...

"As for the Baron and hunting, he has been reading "The Most Dangerous Game" and laughing maniacally...."

"A" game indeed, my dear Baroness. You are well read, and well versed.

 
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