Lessons from The Louvre - Part I

*Author's note: Before we begin our learnin' about them thar pick-toors in that thar Loo-ver Museum, please do not in any way get me confused with Sister Wendy:

My teeth are much less, um (how do I say this nicely) - bucky(?), I only wear glasses first thing in the morning when fingers without coffee should be nowhere near eyes, and I would so TOTALLY rock that habit 100 times more fashionably (a flower broach? a jaunty neck scarf?).

I digress.

The fact that I am focusing on looks rather than smarts? Textbook Baroness. I am, nor will I ever be, as intelligent as the Good Sister. And ya know what? After all these years? I'm cool with that.

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What exactly is it about museums and art galleries that makes people check their sense of humour, as well as their umbrella, at the door?

The Baron and I noticed this the other day at the Louvre.

Everyone talking in hushed tones, all reverent-like.

Yowza.

They're pictures, for goodness sake. Not Real Life Jesus and the Virgin Mary herself. Get a grip, already.

The situation of having to mill around with this ilk practically screamed out for some levity.

Because, I am quite certain that, when these great artists of the world were - palette in hand - creating their masterpieces, they were not secretly wishing, "Please, please, please, let every person who casts their eyes upon my work have the appearance and attitude of someone chronically constipated...

So, I've decided that I will take you on The Baroness' Bad Photography Tour of some of the lesser-known works, replete with the new titles that I have personally bestowed upon them.

Do you have your little headset on, pretending to listen? Excellent.

[make sure that you click on the actual picture to get the full brunt of my horrible photography skills, and the vibrant details...]

Here we go:

1. Holy Sh*t - Are You Seeing What I'm Seeing?

What draws us in here is the slack-jaw yokel look of Dude 1 & 2 on the far right. Yes, even in Medieval times, there apparently were yokels.

You go-eth, Cletus of Aquataine!

2. And Then, I add just a Pinch of fresh Tarragon - Yum-mo!

There is such a crew here listening to Mr. Fancy Hat. It's like he's important or something. What else could he possibly be telling them about? Love the cape, babe - so fashion-forward.

3. Does This Painting make My Ass Look Big?

Of all the subject matter out there, here's what Mr. 50-And-Still-Lives-In-My-Mother's-Barn
chooses to focus on. Although, I must say - they are darned athletic and muscle-ly.

But why does only Leftie Louie have a full tail?

Such questions plague art historians on a daily basis. Really.

4. He's Got Legs - He Knows How to Use Them

The face? Not so pretty. The hair? Love it. The outfit? Fierce. And the legs - this guy is destined for a kickline Off-Broadway. I should be so shapely.

Bitch.

5. If You Listen Closely, You Can Hear the Dairy...

Again. Subject matter. Aren't some things best left private? I guess this was in the days before
paparrazzi - well, there was paps, but it took them a month to "capture the moment". Not exactly lucrative.

6. It's True - I AM a Huge Fruit

Well, there are vegetables, too. But they're not quite as funny. Although the cucumber nose? Always kills on the Roadside Tavern circuit.

7. Rock Band 1.0

Things sadly fell apart for the blokes once they got a little exposure on Thee-Tube, and Ampion (3rd from the left) started getting all the groupie action.

8. Le Counte D'Aluminium Foil

One word - shiny. The Baroness likee long time.

And our last picture of today,

9. They ARE Spectacular, Darling, but The Twins are not
Going to Bring him Back to Life

That is all for today, you attentive students, you.

Stay tuned for Part II tomorrow!

Yours in Oil(s),
B von B