Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Lessons from The Louvre - Part I

*Author's note: Before we begin our learnin' about them thar pick-toors in that thar Loo-ver Museum, please do not in any way get me confused with Sister Wendy:
My teeth are much less, um (how do I say this nicely) - bucky(?), I only wear glasses first thing in the morning when fingers without coffee should be nowhere near eyes, and I would so TOTALLY rock that habit 100 times more fashionably (a flower broach? a jaunty neck scarf?).

I digress.

The fact that I am focusing on looks rather than smarts? Textbook Baroness. I am, nor will I ever be, as intelligent as the Good Sister. And ya know what? After all these years? I'm cool with that.


What exactly is it about museums and art galleries that makes people check their sense of humour, as well as their umbrella, at the door?

The Baron and I noticed this the other day at the Louvre.

Everyone talking in hushed tones, all reverent-like.


They're pictures, for goodness sake. Not Real Life Jesus and the Virgin Mary herself. Get a grip, already.

The situation of having to mill around with this ilk practically screamed out for some levity.

Because, I am quite certain that, when these great artists of the world were - palette in hand - creating their masterpieces, they were not secretly wishing, "Please, please, please, let every person who casts their eyes upon my work have the appearance and attitude of someone chronically constipated...

So, I've decided that I will take you on The Baroness' Bad Photography Tour of some of the lesser-known works, replete with the new titles that I have personally bestowed upon them.

Do you have your little headset on, pretending to listen? Excellent.

[make sure that you click on the actual picture to get the full brunt of my horrible photography skills, and the vibrant details...]

Here we go:

1. Holy Sh*t - Are You Seeing What I'm Seeing?
What draws us in here is the slack-jaw yokel look of Dude 1 & 2 on the far right. Yes, even in Medieval times, there apparently were yokels.

You go-eth, Cletus of Aquataine!

2. And Then, I add just a Pinch of fresh Tarragon - Yum-mo!
There is such a crew here listening to Mr. Fancy Hat. It's like he's important or something. What else could he possibly be telling them about? Love the cape, babe - so fashion-forward.

3. Does This Painting make My Ass Look Big?
Of all the subject matter out there, here's what Mr. 50-And-Still-Lives-In-My-Mother's-Barn
chooses to focus on. Although, I must say - they are darned athletic and muscle-ly.

But why does only Leftie Louie have a full tail?

Such questions plague art historians on a daily basis. Really.

4. He's Got Legs - He Knows How to Use Them
The face? Not so pretty. The hair? Love it. The outfit? Fierce. And the legs - this guy is destined for a kickline Off-Broadway. I should be so shapely.


5. If You Listen Closely, You Can Hear the Dairy...
Again. Subject matter. Aren't some things best left private? I guess this was in the days before
paparrazzi - well, there was paps, but it took them a month to "capture the moment". Not exactly lucrative.

6. It's True - I AM a Huge Fruit
Well, there are vegetables, too. But they're not quite as funny. Although the cucumber nose? Always kills on the Roadside Tavern circuit.

7. Rock Band 1.0
Things sadly fell apart for the blokes once they got a little exposure on Thee-Tube, and Ampion (3rd from the left) started getting all the groupie action.

8. Le Counte D'Aluminium Foil
One word - shiny. The Baroness likee long time.

And our last picture of today,

9. They ARE Spectacular, Darling, but The Twins are not
Going to Bring him Back to Life

That is all for today, you attentive students, you.

Stay tuned for Part II tomorrow!

Yours in Oil(s),
B von B


Lisa said...

These are great, and me loveth the commentary!

The Rockette in #4 has very teensy weensy feet .... wassup with that? And the fruit picture ..... I'm not sure if I'm thinking this was the inspiration for Carmen Miranda and all her glory, or if it's a campaign for "You are what you eat."

I dig Baronness ... I dig it. Am getting caught up on about 3 weeks of blog reading, so am looking for to going back to peruse your vacation chronicles!


{i}Post said...

Holy crap...i'm peeing my pants. That is the funniest shit i have ever read! i have to have hubby read this one as he just doesn' get art museums AT ALL! And neither do i, really. Half the crap in there i could paint and i can't paint a circle.

*smooch* i would take your private tour of the museum any day!

Blog Antagonist said...

OMG, you were at the Louvre? I LOVE the Louvre. I would live there. But you're right. People behave very uptightly. When we were there, Husband was capering about pretending that he was going to heist the Mona Lisa, which is ridiculous considering the amount of security around that teeny tiny little painting. But, nevertheless, they were not amused.

That picture of Louis XIV (I think) always cracks me up.

And your on, Baroness. I always wonder why those women are running around with their breasts hanging out at the most inopportune times.

RiverPoet said...

Men in stockings and women with exposed breasts. How could you go wrong? Hilarious commentary, and you're right - art needs a little levity. :-)

Peace - D

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess Babs The Birthday Bunny Babe: Based on all of the wind-y, circular staircases we were constantly taking during our stay, it would appear the French all had/have mutant wee feet. Freaky.

And this is why they have no NBA in France. The insurance costs would kill them.

Countess iPost: Don't get me wrong - I love art. It's all those pretentious pricks swanning around that get my royal dander WAY up!!

Countess BA: Hey, look! It's you! What a pretty picture of you - you belong in a gallery, babe! (You've got to admit the other one was kinda 3rd floor MOMA material...)

As I wandered around the Louvre, how I wished I was Audrey Tatou in the DaVinci Code, just so I could avoid the crowds. What must it be like to have the run of the place after hours? So cool!

Countess D: It was either boobs and tights or 1000 pictures of Mary/Allegorical Mary/Live Jesus/Dead Jesus.

I, of course, went for the lowbrow.
Draws in the crowds. ;)

Cormac Brown said...

"If You Listen Closely, You Can Hear the Dairy..."

Wow, he was playing "come in Tokyo, come in Tokyo" way before Marconi came up with the radio and before Europeans knew of Edo or Tokyo. Hilarious stuff, Baroness

P.S. I reviewed the book that you gave me.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

OMG!!! That was the funniest damned thing I read all day! You rock, BvB!!! Sigh. Can you imagine the snarkary if we had toured that place together?

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Count Cormac: Yup - those Europeans were ahead of the pack when it came to nipple radio!

PS Sorry about making you read such dreck. :(

Countess NATUI: What about you, me, and CMGD? They would be kicking us out, big time fo sho.

As it was, I was starting to get some scathing looks for merely smiling. How DARE I enjoy myself?
Damn French.

Cormac Brown said...

It was not dreck, it was entertainment and wonderful time capsule.

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