A veritable picture of the of-the-moment Baroness:
That's me in the corner.That's me in the dark light - losing my religion.
I now enter the dark, 2 week phase between having my routine blood work done and getting the results.
Masochist that I am, I am currently reading a very disturbing book (The Almost Moon by Alice Sebold) , and watching very sad things (my DVR'd Stand Up to Cancer), where tears freely flow.
I know full well what happens in these coming two weeks. I should be stocking up on David Sedaris, Archie Double Digests, and Austin Powers movies.
But I resist.
Why?
Maybe I think that if I get into a really dark corner, any wee speck of light at all will be blindingly beautiful.
Maybe I think if I weep (under the pretense of a sad movie), all of my anxiety will flow away.
Maybe I'm Swedish.
I heard one of my favorite Dixie Chick songs while driving around this morning - "Not Ready to Make Nice" - where they quote some of their hate mail as telling them to "shut up and sing".
Maybe I should just shut up and be funny.
And I'll try - tomorrow.
Tomorrow.I know full well what happens in these coming two weeks. I should be stocking up on David Sedaris, Archie Double Digests, and Austin Powers movies.
But I resist.
Why?
Maybe I think that if I get into a really dark corner, any wee speck of light at all will be blindingly beautiful.
Maybe I think if I weep (under the pretense of a sad movie), all of my anxiety will flow away.
Maybe I'm Swedish.
I heard one of my favorite Dixie Chick songs while driving around this morning - "Not Ready to Make Nice" - where they quote some of their hate mail as telling them to "shut up and sing".
Maybe I should just shut up and be funny.
And I'll try - tomorrow.
I love ya - you know when.
15 comments:
Cancer sucks.
But you already know that.
It is okay to be dark.
If you need a laugh, stop in tomorrow for my very unusual love story of Two Hooters: Tit and Tata.
And if you don't need a laugh...that's okay too.
And if you need me...you know where to find me.
Hugs and smooches.
Countess iPost: You are such a dear. I am looking forward to your post - the names have got me v. intrigued!
I have shoe-shopping slotted in for tomorrow as well - not only a welcome distraction, but good for the sole.
Ugh.
Dear Baroness,
You are the Bright light that is shining through the window. May I say you are entitled to wallow and when and if you need me I will be there to reach down, I will know when, you won't have to ask. May I say that black isn't always a bad thing...what would the Zebra be with out it black stripes, or a cheetah without its black spots.....also I would add that you can only see a shadow when the sun is shining brightly. As far as being not being funny there is much truth in the statement sometimes you feel like a nut sometimes you don't. As the Ethel to your Lucy all you need to know is that as you will travel this road no matter where it takes you, and you may have to do the heavy lifting(i pray to G-d not)whether you want to or not,I your faithful friend will be the well you can go to time and time again for what ever you need.
To a brighter day...........
love ya,
The Countess of Yick Yack
You know how I feel about the dark--you can't appreciate the light unless you've walked that dark road. I'll probably be in Sweden when you get your results, and there you have it. That is how Swedes get through those dark months--because their summers are filled with light that never goes away. I look forward to spending this summer season with you.
I'm looking forward to you getting better, because I just won't see it any other way.
BTW, read "Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea" by Chelsea Handler. She'll help pull you through anything with a smile.
Countess NATUI: I wish you 100-fold your fill of Vitamin D to take you through the winter months. Bottle some really good memories to bring back and share with me - you are always a wonderful bright light.
Count Cormac: This is the second recommendation I've heard for this book - me thinks I will be heading to the bookstore today (after shoe shopping, biensur!) Thanks for the tip, and for your heartwarming myopic optimism. You are a sweetie.
Sending light your way;)
I watched Stand up to Cancer and couldn't stop crying. Sometimes that dark place works.
Not long after my husband died I watched Terms of Endearment and Brian's Song. People thought I was nuts, but honestly, could those movies possibly make me feel worse?
To the first poster, when my husband and I went to a pancreatic cancer group meeting someone was wearing a shirt that said "Cancer Sucks" I liked it.
Honestly Baroness, I remember you as being much more photogenic. That snap hardly does you justice.
Personally, I will happily celebrate your dark side if you need me to. I've done some scary waiting on my mammograms too.... that feeling where you get the letter telling you there's a "finding" but the phone number in the letter is not answering over the three day weekend. Ick. So I will wait with you for the good news. Because how could it be anything else?
Hugs to you my dear!
AG
I hope you'll do a review of the Alice Sebold book you're reading. I loved her book "The Lovely Bones," and this new one is on my very lengthy reading list.
And by the way, I'm one of the few people in the world who liked the show "Annie." As the song goes "when I'm stuck with a day that's grey and lonely, I just stick up my chin and grin and sayyyy .... oooohhhhhhh .... the sun'll come out tomorrow."
Hope tomorrow is better for you. .... babspeapod
Countess MPM: Your mojo must be working - the forecast for the weekend is sunny and hot.
Just like me. Hah.
Countess Sandi: So, you get the macabre approach. It DOES just work.
I watched the SUTC thinking I might selfishly learn something new about colon cancer. I just ended up a weepy mess. But it was a beautiful cry, and a delicate balance between sadness and hope.
Countess AG: I thank you for your hugs, and for your kindly waiting along with me. Stop bogarting the chocolate!!
As for the picture, plans are underway for a re-jigging of the page. It's getting pretty hot under all those layers.
Countess Babs: Funny you should mention the new Alice Sebold book - I've just received a promotional offer from a web publisher to give away some copies of "The Almost Moon" - you're on top of the list!
"Thanks for the tip, and for your heartwarming myopic optimism."
Wha? I'm American, I've never been anywhere near Myopia and...oh, pardon.
Pushing away the darkness doesn't make it go away. There's a fine balance between allowing yourself to be immersed in the darkness, honoring it and allowing it to (maybe) eventually dissipate naturally, and getting lost in it completely. Finding one's way through that maze is an art.
Count Cormac: I would never assume you were from Myopia. Those people so don't get the big picture.
Unlike you, dear blend.
NAB: Believe me, I have spent many a day in the dark. I have embraced it, cursed it, hidden in its comfort, and now I recognize it for what it is.
And day by day, I endeavor to enrich the artistry & mastery of maze.
Thanks for stopping by. You may be NA, but you're no B.
"Unlike you, dear blend."
Awwhhh.
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