Monday, January 5, 2009

Of Bleach and Chainsaws

Well, it's the first Monday after the holiday season.

For a lucky few, this will be their first day back at work.

Productivity will no doubt plummet today, as people loiter around each other's cubicles and coffee makers, regaling each other with tales of family fesitivities and debaucherous New Year's Eve parties.

But the hottest ticket in the Western World for front row seats around the water cooler HAS to be at the Butterball Turkey Customer Helpline call center. The stories that abound at this little hell-on-earth make me almost want to work there.

Note that I said almost. (Although the free turkey thing is mighty enticing...)

Examples of actual questions called in* [and Baroness' reponse in ptomaine pink italics]:

."I don't want touch the giblets. Can I fish them out with a coat hanger?" [Yes]

."Can you thaw a frozen turkey using an electric blow dryer? Or by wrapping it in an electric blanket? In the aquarium with my tropical fish? In the tub while the kids are having a bath?"
[No, no, no and hell no]

."The family Chihuahua is inside the turkey and can't get out" [Enlarge the opening manually & extract the dog. Serve with a nice Cabernet and green beans. Buy St. Bernard]

."I need to drive 2 hours with my frozen turkey before I cook it. Will it stay frozen if I tie it to the luggage rack on the roof of my car?" [No if you live in Florida, Hawaii, or Arizona]

."I scrubbed my raw turkey with a toothbrush dipped in bleach for three hours. Is that enough to kill all the harmful bacteria?" [The heat of the oven is what kills the bacteria; bleach will make it inedible, yet with that mouth-watering hospital aroma. Ditch it, you CSI wanna-be freakazoid. Turkey hot dogs, anyone?]

."I didn't want to cook the whole turkey, so I cut it in half with a chainsaw. How do I get the chainsaw oil out of the turkey?" [Again, while we admire your pioneering spirit and your brave foray into mixed media, deep six the art instillation and eat out - I think 7-11 has some burritos that have only been under the heat lamp for 8 hours or so]


Who says there are no stupid questions?

Butterball Call Center, I salute you. You stay at that watercooler as long as you damn well want to.

*courtesy of "The Best of the Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader".


Bubs said...

Yow. And you didn't even begin to touch on any of the questions involving deep frying a frozen turkey...

Baroness von B said...

Count of Tiki: Are you talking about your exotic Polaroid-strewing neighbors again? 'Cause they'd probably really get off on being scalded with hot oil. Freaks. Good riddance, I say.

{i}Post said...


imom said...

I just read these out loud to the 4 teens hanging out in my dining room and they all laughed!

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess iPost: I do not believe that snorting turkey was on the list...wait a minute - there was a call from a rehab center somewhere in Malibu...

Countess imom: Just shows to go ya - things like this and the Darwin Awards have mass appeal. Truth is far more hilarious, in its humanity, than fiction.

Cormac Brown said...


Mental P Mama said...

lol. ptomaine pink. Did you hear the one where the guy beat his wife in the head with their frozen turkey because it wasn't ready. Too funny.

Baroness von B said...

Count Cormac: I'm here, Margaret.

Count MPM: I had heard of this incident, but I'd just like you to know that the Baron & I have sought counselling, and events involving frozen food seem to have resolved themselves.

Sandi said...

As a middle school teacher for the past 13 years, I can assure you there are PLENTY of stupid questions.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Those are just classic. I love it. Thanks for the laugh!

Cormac Brown said...

"Count Cormac: I'm here, Margaret."


Baroness von B said...

Countess Sandi: I'm sure that this is the general consensus - INSIDE the teachers' lounge.

Countess NATUI: Please feel free to call our consumer hotline any time between the hours of 12 & 12:15 PM.

Count Brown: Wasn't sure you'd get the "chick lit" reference - touche back to you, sir!

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