For a lucky few, this will be their first day back at work.
Productivity will no doubt plummet today, as people loiter around each other's cubicles and coffee makers, regaling each other with tales of family fesitivities and debaucherous New Year's Eve parties.
But the hottest ticket in the Western World for front row seats around the water cooler HAS to be at the Butterball Turkey Customer Helpline call center. The stories that abound at this little hell-on-earth make me almost want to work there.
Note that I said almost. (Although the free turkey thing is mighty enticing...)
Examples of actual questions called in* [and Baroness' reponse in ptomaine pink italics]:
."I don't want touch the giblets. Can I fish them out with a coat hanger?" [Yes]
."Can you thaw a frozen turkey using an electric blow dryer? Or by wrapping it in an electric blanket? In the aquarium with my tropical fish? In the tub while the kids are having a bath?"
[No, no, no and hell no]
."The family Chihuahua is inside the turkey and can't get out" [Enlarge the opening manually & extract the dog. Serve with a nice Cabernet and green beans. Buy St. Bernard]
."I need to drive 2 hours with my frozen turkey before I cook it. Will it stay frozen if I tie it to the luggage rack on the roof of my car?" [No if you live in Florida, Hawaii, or Arizona]
."I scrubbed my raw turkey with a toothbrush dipped in bleach for three hours. Is that enough to kill all the harmful bacteria?" [The heat of the oven is what kills the bacteria; bleach will make it inedible, yet with that mouth-watering hospital aroma. Ditch it, you CSI wanna-be freakazoid. Turkey hot dogs, anyone?]
."I didn't want to cook the whole turkey, so I cut it in half with a chainsaw. How do I get the chainsaw oil out of the turkey?" [Again, while we admire your pioneering spirit and your brave foray into mixed media, deep six the art instillation and eat out - I think 7-11 has some burritos that have only been under the heat lamp for 8 hours or so]
Wow.
Who says there are no stupid questions?
Butterball Call Center, I salute you. You stay at that watercooler as long as you damn well want to.
*courtesy of "The Best of the Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader".
But the hottest ticket in the Western World for front row seats around the water cooler HAS to be at the Butterball Turkey Customer Helpline call center. The stories that abound at this little hell-on-earth make me almost want to work there.
Note that I said almost. (Although the free turkey thing is mighty enticing...)
Examples of actual questions called in* [and Baroness' reponse in ptomaine pink italics]:
."I don't want touch the giblets. Can I fish them out with a coat hanger?" [Yes]
."Can you thaw a frozen turkey using an electric blow dryer? Or by wrapping it in an electric blanket? In the aquarium with my tropical fish? In the tub while the kids are having a bath?"
[No, no, no and hell no]
."The family Chihuahua is inside the turkey and can't get out" [Enlarge the opening manually & extract the dog. Serve with a nice Cabernet and green beans. Buy St. Bernard]
."I need to drive 2 hours with my frozen turkey before I cook it. Will it stay frozen if I tie it to the luggage rack on the roof of my car?" [No if you live in Florida, Hawaii, or Arizona]
."I scrubbed my raw turkey with a toothbrush dipped in bleach for three hours. Is that enough to kill all the harmful bacteria?" [The heat of the oven is what kills the bacteria; bleach will make it inedible, yet with that mouth-watering hospital aroma. Ditch it, you CSI wanna-be freakazoid. Turkey hot dogs, anyone?]
."I didn't want to cook the whole turkey, so I cut it in half with a chainsaw. How do I get the chainsaw oil out of the turkey?" [Again, while we admire your pioneering spirit and your brave foray into mixed media, deep six the art instillation and eat out - I think 7-11 has some burritos that have only been under the heat lamp for 8 hours or so]
Wow.
Who says there are no stupid questions?
Butterball Call Center, I salute you. You stay at that watercooler as long as you damn well want to.
*courtesy of "The Best of the Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader".
