Thursday, May 7, 2009

Thoughtful Thursday

So. This Sunday.

Mother's Day.

Wha-h-h-ht? If this comes as a surprise to you, you are quite welcome. I've given you 2 days to get your ca-ca together.

I suppose I could have found apt quote about mothers, but blech. Kind of trite. Kind of hackneyed. (I know - they both mean the same thing, but today was I felt the urge to say both).

You'll all get your fill of mush in your cards. Instead, I found you this. And really, the two do go together. One can't be a mother without a child, and most offspring had to sproing from somewhere.

Except when they're having a nuclear meltdown in the candy aisle. Or at the insanely expensive label-whore boutique. Then no adult in their right mind will lay claim to them.

Just.

Walk.

Away.

From "Metropolitan Life" by the perpetually irked, curmudgeonly Fran Lebowitz - a list of pros and cons regarding children.

"... Of course, until now prospective parents have not had the opportunity to see the facts spelled out in black and white and therefore cannot reasonably be held accountable for their actions. To this end I have carefully set down all pertinent information in the fervent hope that it will result in a future populated by a more attractive array of children than I have thus far encountered.

Pro
. I must take issue with the term "a mere child", for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

. Children are usually small in stature, which makes them quite useful for getting at those hard-to-reach places.

. Children do not sit next to one in restaurants and discuss their preposterous hopes for the future in loud tones of voice.

. Children ask better questions than do adults. "May I have a cookie?" "Why is the sky blue?" and "What does a cow say?" are far more likely to elicit a cheerful response than "Where's your manuscript?" "Why haven't you called?" and "Who's your lawyer?".

. Children give life to the concept of immaturity.

. Children make the most desirable opponents in Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

. It is still quite possible to stand in a throng of children without once detecting even the faintest whiff of an exciting, rugged after-shave or cologne.

. Not a single member of the under-age set has yet to propose the word chairchild.

. Children sleep either alone or with small toy animals. The wisdom of such behaviour is unquestionable, as it frees them from the immeasurable tedium of being privy to the whispered confessions of others. I have yet to run across a teddy bear who was harboring the secret desire to wear a maid's uniform.

Con
. Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. One can only assume that this has something to do with not smoking enough.

. Children have decidedly little fashion sense and if left to their own devices will more often than not be drawn to garments of unfortunate cut. In this respect they do not differ greatly from the majority of their elders, but somehow one blames them more.

. Children respond inadequately to sardonic humor and veiled threats.

. Notoriously insensitive to subtle shifts in mood, children will persist in discussing the color of a recently sighted cement-mixer long after one's own interest in the topic has waned.

. Children are rarely in the position to lend one a truly interesting sum of money. There are, however, exceptions, and such children are an excellent addition to any party.

. Children arise at an unseemly hour and are ofttimes in the habit of putting food on an empty stomach.

. Children do not look well in evening clothes.

. All too often children are accompanied by adults. "




8 comments:

Mental P Mama said...

That woman is a genius;)

By the way...where are you staying at Virginia Blogfest? I just rented a house...

sara-grey said...

point one under cons: these children are referred to as "cookie crumb kids".

Not Afraid to Use It said...

The sticky thing is just something I can't get over. I know they are my kids, but gah!!!

baronessvonb said...

Countess MPM: She is wicked funny - even after 20 something years.

Countess SPN: Is this a professional term, like "TMP"'s in the maternity ward?

Countess NATUI: I hear ya. Same with stinky. They may be family, but reek is reek. Eww.

Cormac Brown said...

"Children do not look well in evening clothes."

Neither do most adults, though they loathe to admit it.

baronessvonb said...

Count Cormac: Hey, now. I have a gala tomorrow evening, and I assure you, I do look VERY well in evening attire, thankyouveddymuch. But the whole tuxedo thing? It takes a rare breed of penguin and/or an awesome tailor to rock that.

♥~♥ Tracey ♥~♥ said...

Who is the brilliant woman? Wowzers. Loved this! Perfect for Mother's Day!

baronessvonb said...

Countess Tracey: Ooh, you have to check her out - she's very amusing!
Happy Mother's Day, Baby!!

 
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