Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Weisenheimer Wednesday

Greetings to you, oh curious masses.

Today's presentation arrives to us via a visit to my public library. Whilst kickin' it old school, and looking for some inspiration in the -wait for it - written word, I couldn't help but notice that the particular shelf I was standing in front of was primarily orange.

Why?

Apparently, there are a lot of complete idiots out there who need guiding.

(Present company excluded, but of course)

(Oh, and, btw? Isn't 'Complete Idiot' kind of an oxymoron? Just sayin'...)

Since there is such a wealth of information out there, waiting to be shared? I would certainly be the idiot not to elucidate.

Before we begin, I would like to extend gratitude to a certain Mr. Cormac Brown, who suggested that perhaps I have a diploma hanging on my wall that shows me graduating Magna Cum Laude* from Weisenheimer University.

Yes, Mr. Brown. Yes, I do.

And every time I write my posts, I wear the cap and gown. Just for a little extra magna.

(* this all began from a comment about this post, asking if there were any vegetables to go along with the sausage-fest) (I merely sent him along some tomatoes) (or maybe they were honeydews - I forget)

So, without further a-boob, er, ado - I give you fascinating factoids from Chapter 17 of "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Creating a Web Page and Blog":

Who Is Your Audience?
.
They want to learn [sometimes a little knowledge goes a long way - look at me. Graduate. WU. Reach for the stars, people. Oh and four little words - Lessons from the Louvre. If this isn't edu-mack-ashun, I don't know what is.]

. They want an expert's view [just so you know, if I put my mind and highly sociopathic nature to work, I can be an expert on anything. Did I mention that I wrote Wikipedia?]

. They want journalism they can trust [look at this face. OK, that's not me. But I am as trustworthy as him. The journalism thing? Not my bag, man. Too much work. You can be honest without toil.] [Can't you?]

. They want to be entertained [all I know is that I find myself highly amusing. Partly because I dress like a clown, but mostly because of my extremely shallow standards. So, I'm no Joan Rivers. Sue me.]

. They want to get 'cool' links [Hello? Salma Hayak's schmeebs? BatBoy? I am the walking embodiment of cool.][I'm Canadian, for god's sake. We have no choice.]

. They want to experience something 'real' [hmm. Let's see. Fake name, deftly-constructed persona...Well, I am real, in a sense. I'm not imaginary. Which makes me real. Suck on that logic, Spock.]

. They want to watch your life unfold online [uh, no. You don't] [It's far more fascinating watching it fold in on itself like an origami swan. Artsy-craftsy, too]

Final words from this section: "Using these ideas as a starting point, you must give a lot of thought to why people will want to spend time reading your blog. If you don't satisfy at least one of these desires (and preferably two or three of them), few people will come to your blog, and most of these people won't stick around."

Whoa. Tough love, that.

I think I better do some more reading. I'm still an incomplete idiot.

6 comments:

Mental P Mama said...

Only the best of the best can go to WU.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Hahaha. You said "SCHMEEBS" :) I am adding that to my glossary of fun terms for funbags.

♥~♥ Tracey ♥~♥ said...

Are you serious? Someone wrote that crock of advise? He is the complete idiot.

BTW, the verification word was "sonsumi" which is very close to "so sue me." I think blogger is secretly plagiarizing you.

thecheekofgod said...

Hey, at least you picked the book up and looked at it. Kudos!

Don't change too much . . . we come here for you, not because you fit some mold. Keep it up . . .

Cormac Brown said...

I eagerly await your commencement speech, I imagine it will be insightful, full of chutzpah and jets of steam will be coming from my ears.

BTW, my word verification is "mistortn," as in a smart aleck torte.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess MPM: Yeah, it's a regular MIT for smartasses.

Countess Veggie-Killah: Hah! You said funbags.

Countess Tracey: The manual was actually pretty instructive. I just warped it around for my own gains.

Speaking of gains, I would have a chat with blogger if it was actually run by humans. I think it's just one big computer, like Hal.

Count Cheeky: Aw, you're making me blush. I assure you, I will do my degree proud - no changing for me. Change bad.

Count Cormac: I am so sorry, sir, but not unlike the Illuminati (aren't I the timely one?), the convocation ceremony for WU is by invite only and extremely private. Secret handshake and all that. You understand.

We're the masons of bon mots.

The Jackie Masons.

 
Blog Designed by Rita of CoffeeShop