Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Weisenheimer Wednesday*

* in which I stroll into my local library, straight to the 'Complete Idiot's' shelf, and randomly grab the first book I lay eyes on. I then scan derisively, quote shamelessly, cackle maniacally and do my best to raise your level of edu-mack-ay-shun up/down to mine.

So that we can both be Weisenheimer MDs** together.

Today, it would seem, that fate was on my side. Had I consulted my most trusted advisor about whether or not I would hit the blog fodder jackpot today, Monsieur Magic 8 Ball would have emphatically stated, "Decidedly So."

Our font of knowledge today comes from Diane Ahlquist. It is "Complete Idiot's Guide to F..."

. . . Hold up a minute.

I feel an apt quote (cited in the book, btw) is in order. And really, any quote from this luscious hunk of brain is always in order:

"The truly valuable thing is the intuition"
Albert Einstein

He then also added "Suck it, Simmons".

But the quote I refer to is the first one. Because Mr. Science Guy is giving some validation to something that for some, is kind of out there. And this almost-sponsorship by such a fine mind of the 20th century - please remember - is important. Dude wasn't too crazy about Dippity Do, but he did know a thing or two about other stuff. Intuition stuff.

With out further ado, today's book is "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Fortune Telling".

I didn't really need a crystal ball to know that inside the covers of this little gem were 318 pages of mock-worthy goodness.

But then I sat back and thought WWAD?

('A' is for Albert here. For god's sake, pay attention to my learnin' you!)

My agenda here is not to mock. It is to inform.

And I should not mock.

Because I haven't even written a published book. Have you written a published book?

I salute the talent of Ms. Ahlquist and gratefully acknowledge that she has done a incredibly thorough job of detailing a field of which I know very little about.

Until now. Now? I'm ready to polish up the Ouija board, burn some incense and get my gypsy vibe on.

Crap. Was that disrespectful?

I'm trying really hard here.

Just inform, Baroness.


Inform. Inform. Inform.

OK! So, I'll give you some information, and you can do with it what you will. I will never know what happens behind your closed doors.

(Well, technically that's not really true anymore, as I am acquiring the skill set to be a seer. But I'm not quite there yet, so hurry up and do whatever voodoo that you do.) (So well.)

First off, I would be remiss if I didn't whet your psychic appetite with some of the chapter titles:

"The Magic of Salt"

"Reading Tea Leaves and Coffee Grounds"

"Ice Rendering"


"Dominoes and Dice: Not Just Games!"

"Tablets of Fate"

"Cloud Prophecies"

"Pendulums and Dowsing: Getting into the Swing of Things"

There is so much, much more. This is a mere dappling of some of the highlights.

Next, we'll talk a little about phrenology, which is the study of bumps on one's head and the shapeof one's head in order to predict the 'character and inclinations of a person'. The presence and size of a bump can, apparently, be quite telling. Who knew?

We do, thanks to me.

So. If you were to divide (not literally)

(although that might be kind of scientific and wicked cool)

(although sadly illegal)

the areas of the skull into 35 areas, thusly:

(photo source:

each section would reveal different characteristics about the person.

I must say, I included this section because I am LOVING the some of the descriptive names of the areas:

Area 1: Amativeness (sexuality and muscle movement)
2: Philoprogentiveness (Love, as in love for one's offspring)
3. Concentrativeness
4: Adhesiveness (attachments to love objects)
5. Combativeness
6. Destructiveness/alimentiveness
7. Secretiveness
8. Acquisitiveness
9. Constructiveness
10. Self-Esteem
11. Love of approbation (love for attention and praise)
12. Cautiousness
13. Benevolence
14. Veneration (reverence, respect, religious feelings)
15. Firmness (determination and perseverence)
16. Conscientiousness
17. Hope
18. Wonder
19. Ideality
20. Wit or mirthfulness
21. Imitation
22. Individuality (perception of objects and things)
23. Form (ability used to help in face recognition and grasping of size and shape)
24. Size (ability to gauge size in reference to something else)
25. Weight or resistance (the ability to grasp the physics of things)
26. Coloring (Perception of colors)
27. Locality (recognition of locale and landmarks)
28. Number (ability with math)
29. Order
30. Eventuality (learning and remembering)
31. Time
32. Tune
33. Language
34. Comparison (ability to make analogies)
35. Causality (ability to see cause and effect)

My Area 11? A little bulge-y.

And Area 20 is freakishly goose-egged. Maybe more like emu-egged.

It would appear at first grope that my skull is actually concave in areas 25 and 31; I feel so much better knowing that I can scientifically be proven to be a Complete Idiot.

Now I know.

(I think.)


** MD- Doctor of Malarkey


♥~♥ Nine Acres ♥~♥ said...


I think I am missing the wit part of the brain all together! Thanks for learning me!

baronessvonb said...

Countess T: Well I don't think that's true at all. But you can always comb your beautiful hair over that spot if need be...

Cormac Brown said...

First, kudos to the tease set-up for what was to follow the letter "f." Pulled me right in there.

Second, "phrenology?" Let's revive that, along with those crazy cure-alls that had opiates in them that you could buy without any penalty from John Law (kidding).

My favorite in terms of researching was tasseography. I researched it online for a story back in the 33.6K dial-up days and learned far more that I needed to. All of which I've forgotten in the decade since, but I still look at the remnants in my tea cup after we go out for Chinese food and I wonder...

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