Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Hitting a Nerve

A couple of weeks ago, fresh from taking out a fifth mortgage on our house to pay for Duke 1's booklist, he and I and the entourage hit the University bookstore.

As he flitted hither and yon, blithely spending money previously earmarked for a new slate roof, Thomasville kitchen cabinets, and honeycomb tiling for Duke #2's bathroom, I meandered through the "Frivolous" section.

I ended up picking up a couple of books, one being Christian Lander's Stuff White People Like.

If you are not aware of this fine fellow, you very well should be. He's a scathingly funny guy, and the book is a by-product of his popular website. I hear he's hit the media trifecta, with an upcoming tv show as well. Yay him, for spreading the gospel according to, well, him.

Normally, I would burn through something like this with ease. But this one, well...

Reading this one is slightly masochistic. Turning each page, reading each bullet item is like oh-so-very-slo-o-o-o-owly pulling off an extra-adhesive bandaid.

Because I'm apparently white, that's why.

And not only white, but mock-worthy to boot.

What I thought of as my unique, boundless elan? It's been placed with great ease into a tidy little box.

I have become the demographic that I once sneeringly and gleefully derided.

And it hurts.

A lot.

Yet at the same time, it's truly fascinating.

Every item on the list brings me closer to the belief that Mr. Lander, in his infinite youthful wisdom, is a seer.

Because he is, with few exceptions, almost bang on with his assessment of me. Me - generic white person #2, 775, 843, 109.

Some of the things he somehow knows that I truly like:
. Coffee (#1)
. Yoga (#15)
. David Sedaris (#25)
. International Travel (#19)
. Documentaries (#57)
. Musical Comedy (#77)
. Brunch (#36)
. Dogs (#53)
. Pretending to be a Canadian when travelling Abroad (#105)

Some of the things I'm supposed to like:
. Beards (#95)
. Shorts (#86)
. Marijuana (#33)
. Marathons (#27)
. The Simpsons (#127)
. Rock Climbing (#150)

I suppose, to avoid confrontation (#128), I will have to endeavor to somehow incorporate these into my daily life. Or at least into my conversations, so as to appear to be part of the 'In' crowd:

"...So there I was, so stoked after just finishing the Vancouver Marathon that I decided to take advantage of that adrenalin surge and hike up the North Face of the Lions while still in my running shorts. So beautiful, man. I lit a spliff and just sit back and scoped out the amazing view. The sky over the city? As blue as the beginning of 'The Simpsons'. Breathtaking. You should really try it sometime - you know, the marathon, the hike, The Simpsons. It will blow your mind. And make you white..."

The beard thing? Uh, yeah. I'm working on that.

Combining my poor eyesight and usual lackadaisical efforts at plucking, this should only take a couple more days.

Stay posted.


Leah Marie said...

I bought that book a year ago or so.
Pretty freaking hilarious if you ask me.
I am pretty much all of what he list in the book... One way or another. Haha.

stacy said...

seriously - so funny!

Daryl said...

Like pass the spliff, sistah, its like nasty to Bogart... and I am like one with beards, dude, on like, men

baronessvonb said...

Countess Schmee: Hilarious? Absolutely. Offensive? Absolutely?
Stereotypical? Absolutely. Conflicted? Absolutely.

Countess Stacy: Yep to both.

Countess Daryl: Ooh-eee, girl! You have the 411 on the lingo. I, like, like beards on men too. On me - not so much.

Mental P Mama said...

LOL. It is a painfully naked way. And beards? Yeah. Not a fan anymore since I'm rather tired of mine.

Cormac Brown said...

I'm worried.

I love coffee, brunch, international travel, "The Simpsons," and reading David Sedaris. I only wear shorts while working out or when it's hot, and...

"Pretending to be a Canadian when travelling Abroad"

...whew, I never do that. So I guess I'm not...well, you know.

Wait, I love documentaries!

baronessvonb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

The Simpsons grow on you, much like a beard, provided you are doing bong hits.

After a while, though, you realize what a waste of time it is and you don your shorts, climb some rocks and run a marathon.

Voila. You've accomplished that second list.

CoffeeJitters (Judy Haley) said...

some of the funniest stuff is funny just because it is so painfully true. and that is some seriously funny stuff

sara-grey said...

thank you for the early morning laugh, I needed that.

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