Friday, January 8, 2010

Fleet Farm! Friday

Little-known Baroness fact: I wish I could be a sleuth. Full-time.

Choice of novel?

Cornwell, Grafton, Parker, some Evanovich for levity.

Choice of TV?

CSI (original only)

(Miami? Bitch, please.).

And, naturellement, my newest obsession - Criminal Minds. Gotta love me some nerd.

So, can you possibly imagine the excitement bouncing around in my little ribcage when I went to Fleet Farm and saw that they could make my dreams of crime fighting come true*?

Yuh-huh. I know!

Fleet Farm.

Can. You.


Imagine. It???

Those fine folks? They sell...come a little closer to the screen....



I have to whisper.



Yet so gloriously true.

So, say I'm hired by a huge beverage conglomerate to go to Tahiti to find out the secret ingredient in Goji Juice. I first ingratiate myself near the hut where two very important tribal leaders will be meeting to quaff and quibble and get down to the boola boola nitty gritty, I don my disguise, and voila....

photo source here

Can you see me?
What if I tell you that I'm not a plus-size Polynesian woman?
What if I tell you I don't even know how to weave?
Can you see me now?

The answer is no, you cannot.

Scenario two. Suppose I have been commissioned by some slightly shifty gossip e-zine to spy on Mark Burnett to find out where the next 'Survivor' will be taking place. This highly classified information will prove very lucrative (alright, already - I haven't completely thought this particular scenario through - just roll with me here, people).

Anyways, if Burnett is staying here:

photo source here
I can be there too.

Spot me yet?

I thought not.

Because Fleet Farm is magic, that's why.

Magic. And brilliant.

Because they sell something akin to Harry Potter's Cloak of Invisibility.

It's called a blind.

Clever, non?

This is not Tahiti.
Nor a hut in the middle of the ocean.
It's me, goose.
Did I just blow your mind or what?

Well, technically, it's called a 'Duck Blind'.

But I'm sure that's just a typo - they've clearly missed some punctuation.

It should read "Duck! Blind."

Irregardless, it is one fine tool for corporate espionage. (Ok,, the smell gives me bad henna flashbacks and it's a bitch to pack in the suitcase, but that's the price one must pay for greatness...)

Fleet Farm!!

*My original dream of crime-fighting, i.e. wanting to be a cast member of 'Criminal Minds', does not appear to be coming true any time in the near future, as I continue waiting - in vain, may I add - for a reply e-mail from one Mr. Matthew Gray Gubler.

Sigh. Pout.

Anyone affiliated with CBS who could get this blogger a spot on CM (ANYTHING), please e-mail me at

I am tired of waiting for The Gube.


Diane said...

I want to be the geek in the lab examining the evidence. Of if there is room in your entourage... your faithful (and charming) sidekick holding the mini-satellite listening device in your sleuthing endeavors!

baronessvonb said...

Countess Diane: I've been a geek in a lab - it's not so glam. But it is much safer. And with FF prices, you don't have to be a mere sidekick - we'll get you your own Duck!! Blind.
Welcome aboard, supersleuth.

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Ms. Baroness, you can't swing a dead duck without hitting a duck blind here in Mathews. I did a post on them one time. People here even use that polynesian stuff to disguise their boats; the boat becomes a duck blind.

We'll definitely have to add "duck blinds" to the tour in July.

p.s. If CBS does call, let me know. I have a reality TV show in mind that will rock their world.

baronessvonb said...

Countess of the County: You're not sayin' it right... it's "Duck!!!" blind.

Freida Bee, MD said...

This post made me very happy I gathered up a kit of "spy gear" for my seven year-old for Christmas. He's so cool lurking around, and he cracks me up when he covers the word "spy" on the side of the glasses, because he thinks it gives away his disguise. A smart one that. I'll pretend he's gonna have his own show in 2030. Just think of all the technology he'll have at his disposal then....

baronessvonb said...

Countess of the Buzz: Ooh, this sounds fun! How I loved it when my son was in his spy phase - if your son isn't too sophisticated (it's been a while since my men were 7), he might enjoy the 'Nate The Great' series of books. They're a little silly, a little whimsical, and you won't want to bleach your ears out having listened to yourself read them over and over and over.

And I look forward to the day when he gets his own series in 2030. As long as he promises not to keep taking his sunglasses off and putting them back, whilst appearing severely constipated...

These Nine Acres said...

All of that detective stuff freaks me out. The most I can handle is Cops. Seriously.

No sleuthing for me = no itchy smelling cloaks. Good news for me ;0)

Cormac Brown said...

I don't see how CBS would hire you, you are too bright a star and would dwarf everyone else in comparison.

baronessvonb said...

Countess TNA: Dude - Cops? Seriously? And by the dubs, my cloaks aren't itchy at all - 100% cashmere...

(I jest)

Count Cormac: Here's where I get all whiny and stompy - "But why can't I at least try???"

And I'm not too sure what you are getting at by the 'dwarf' remark - have you seen the whackadoo outfits that Garcia wears? I would have to seriously up my game to dwarf THAT.

Sandi said...

I'm a Shemar Moore girl myself.

Loved Mandy Potamkin, too, but alas he left the show.

baronessvonb said...

Countess Sandi: Shemar's too much of a pretty boy for me - I just have a soft spot for the nerdy and disenfranchised...As for Mandy, I hear he had to leave due to intestinal issues

(i.e. he was chewing up too much of the scenery...)I do like the way he can get all misty, though. Big softy.

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