Thursday, July 22, 2010

Thoughtful Thursday

"...I've been up,
down,
Tryin' to get the feeling again

All around,
Tryin' to get the feeling again

The one that made me shiver
Made my knees start to quiver
Every time it* walked in

And I've looked high ,
low

Everywhere I possibly can
But there's no
tryin' to get the feelin' again

It seemed to disappear
as fast as it came..."

Barry Manilow


Boy, I feel ya, Barry.

I have been lookin'. And lookin'.

For what, you may well ask.

Well... for my sassy.

I've been looking, waiting, hoping, beseeching my sassy to come back.

And I gotta tell you - it is an elusive bitch, this sassy.

It takes some hunting around for. At least, say, 4 months' worth of time.

I would be lying if I told you that I finally have it firmly back in my grasp.

It is like gripping hopefully onto a palmful of sand - it's solid one moment, trickley and vanishing the next.

I would also be lying to you if I told you that I loved, Loved, LOVED my self-imposed hiatus.

Truth be told, I hated every moment that I wasn't clickety-clacking away at a keyboard. The self-withholding set my fillings on edge, and the squelched desire made me want to crawl out of my skin some days.

Posts by the hundreds scrolled through my head, fully-realized, rich and entertaining.

Here, then gone.

Just like the sassy.

I ached to write.

I ached to be funny again.

But something intangible - some eerie self-preservation - always stopped me from planting my butt down and having at'er.

Here's the thing, dear reader of mine - the cold hard fact. There are many, many times when this bon vivant does not feel the least bit bon.

Nor vivant.

My sassy tank has been running on fumes for about, oh, 6 months or so.

But, thanks to the sons who both keep asking 'When are you going to write again?'; thanks to the ever-supportive husband who listens to me forever sigh and writhe and battle my inner demons; thanks to my trusted cousel who appreciates me for who I am and wherever I may be going; thanks to a bunch of infectious high-spirited hijinxers, I am just willing to baby- step my way back here.

For a time, it was all about the response. The validation. The numbers.

But, hey? I'm not a number person. I'm a word person.

And I'm back.

****
There is a Yin to the Yang of B von B: "Compulsions, Neuroses, and all my Other Charming Qualities". When I'm feeling blue or blah or downright bleak, this is where I might be found.

14 comments:

Titanium said...

Oh my god! You're back!! Not a week has gone by that I haven't thought of you and hoped you are well. Hoped that good things are re-filling all the empty spaces, hoped that you would find your way to words you were ready to share.

Welcome back, Baroness. You've been greatly, greatly missed.

Sending you one gigantic hug and a face-splitting grin...

the baron said...

Welcome back!

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Oh thank goodness. My mother will be thrilled. She's not stopped talking about you since you left. Believe she'd give up her fear of flying to come see you. But now she can just get her Baroness fix via the blog.

WELCOME BACK! We all missed you.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess Ti: Good things are, indeed, filling my empty spaces. I so appreciate your loyalty; that's my new mantra - loyalty, not numbers.

Baron: I love you.

Countess of the County: Words cannot begin to describe how much I love Mama. We have, how you say, zee only child sympatico.

Hey - maybe I can be Jill!!!

Please pass along that I would be honored to squire her around anywhere she'd like to go, and wait on her hand and foot. I leave it to you to let her know that Canadian Customs frowns very heavily on the importing of live eider down. Sucks to be you, G.

foolery said...

And . . . closure. My fantastic week endeth on a very high note indeed. Welcome back, O Captainess My Captainess. ; )

Meg @ Soup Is Not A Finger Food said...

Huzzah! There are few whose gift with words matches yours - you grab that sassy bitch and you tell her IT'S TIME.

I'm so happy to have read this!

Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. said...

Hallelujah the Baroness is back! Delivah me!
<><

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess of FooleryLand: Thanks for the kind words, beautiful!

Countess of Soup: I know that I said I would re-start with the joke we started in the car...I still call dibs, mkay?

Countess NoNo: What? Where do you have to be delivered? Canada, maybe?

Cormac Brown said...

OMG!
OMG!
Oh my f**kin' God, you're back!

And why wasn't the royal messenger dispatched forthwith, fivewith, even, to convey this wondrous news???

Say you'll never leave us again!

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Count Cormac: You are so cute! Listen to you, all giddy as a schoolgirl! This sure made me smile.

No dispatches, no huzzahs. Just me, sneaking in again, humbly and quietly.

Meg @ Soup Is Not A Finger Food said...

Yes, you have dibs on the joke, if you can come up with a punchline. I've been mulling it over... but I think you're more likely to nail it than I am. I look forward to it!

formerly fun said...

Yipee!

And I mean that sincerely, not in a flip, oh well, thank gawd she's back sassypants way.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess Soupy: I sure would like to hear your ideas...I would definitely give you co-writing credit. I feel the need to research all this religious dogma in order to nail the joke on about 30 levels. Comedy is not funny, yo.

Countess StillFunInMyBook: I would never, ever, in a million years, consider you flip with this comment; you are far too lovely and too complex for that. I am touched and honored to have you in my cheering section.

Diane said...

And I, your most geographically closest bloggy cohort is the last to know. Fitting!

Welcome back Dearest! The bloggosphere is indeed enriched with your tidbits!

 
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