Thoughtful Thursday

"...I've been up,
down,
Tryin' to get the feeling again
All around,
Tryin' to get the feeling again
The one that made me shiver
Made my knees start to quiver
Every time it* walked in

And I've looked high ,
low
Everywhere I possibly can
But there's no
tryin' to get the feelin' again
It seemed to disappear
as fast as it came..."
Barry Manilow

Boy, I feel ya, Barry.

I have been lookin'. And lookin'.

For what, you may well ask.

Well... for my sassy.

I've been looking, waiting, hoping, beseeching my sassy to come back.

And I gotta tell you - it is an elusive bitch, this sassy.

It takes some hunting around for. At least, say, 4 months' worth of time.

I would be lying if I told you that I finally have it firmly back in my grasp.

It is like gripping hopefully onto a palmful of sand - it's solid one moment, trickley and vanishing the next.

I would also be lying to you if I told you that I loved, Loved, LOVED my self-imposed hiatus.

Truth be told, I hated every moment that I wasn't clickety-clacking away at a keyboard. The self-withholding set my fillings on edge, and the squelched desire made me want to crawl out of my skin some days.

Posts by the hundreds scrolled through my head, fully-realized, rich and entertaining.

Here, then gone.

Just like the sassy.

I ached to write.

I ached to be funny again.

But something intangible - some eerie self-preservation - always stopped me from planting my butt down and having at'er.

Here's the thing, dear reader of mine - the cold hard fact. There are many, many times when this bon vivant does not feel the least bit bon.

Nor vivant.

My sassy tank has been running on fumes for about, oh, 6 months or so.

But, thanks to the sons who both keep asking 'When are you going to write again?'; thanks to the ever-supportive husband who listens to me forever sigh and writhe and battle my inner demons; thanks to my trusted cousel who appreciates me for who I am and wherever I may be going; thanks to a bunch of infectious high-spirited hijinxers, I am just willing to baby- step my way back here.

For a time, it was all about the response. The validation. The numbers.

But, hey? I'm not a number person. I'm a word person.

And I'm back.

****

There is a Yin to the Yang of B von B: "Compulsions, Neuroses, and all my Other Charming Qualities". When I'm feeling blue or blah or downright bleak, this is where I might be found.