I Have a New Job!

The Baroness has had many, many 'career paths' in her lifetime: chambermaid, file clerk, modelling agency receptionist, lab technician...

But one of the jobs I'm most excited about is the one I'm about to undertake - Interwebs Spokesperson for the Mathews County Tourist Bureau.

Not that there is a current opening for this position, but in times like these it's all about the entrepreneurialism , non?

What got me all excited about this endeavor is a recent guided tour around the town. Well, more specifically, its beaches.

I will tell you right here and now, people - the potential for tourism is enormous.

Rather than just blather on and on, I'll just give you a sampling of the mock press-release I will forward along with my resume:
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Mathews County - OH! Natural

As summer approaches, and the amount of clothing worn decreases in direct proportion to the increasing heat and humidity, women are faced with one of their most unpleasant personal grooming tasks - harvesting all of that unwanted winter hair.

Shaving never seems to get it all, and let's be honest - those of us with that less-than-perfect eyesight always seem to miss entire swatches.

And waxing?
One word - YEEOUCH!

But now, there is a solution that is effective, painless, and virtually effortless.

It is a little-known secret that I'm going to let you in on -

Bethel Beach Natural Area Preserve.

Through 'The Magic of Mathews', all you need do is squat,

she's multi-tasking and she doesn't even know it!

and, voila! The hair will spontaneously just fall off your body into a neat pile:

Behold the immaculate pubis pile - so tidy!

No muss, no fuss.

No clogged drains; no Liquid Plumber required!

Here at Bethel Beach, we are green as green can be!

Like any miracle, the secret can't last forever - it's already starting to catch on among the local counties, as evidenced by last week's increase in volume (ho, ho, ho!!):

Satisfied visitor Shelley J of Richmond writes, "It was the most unbelievable thing! I'll surely be back next summer!"

Isn't it time you come to Bethel Beach to preserve your natural area?

We'll see you there."
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OK, OK, it might need a little tweaking.

But it's good, right?

Wish me luck!

Hippy VooDoo Bullsh*t

The fabulous title of this post can be credited to my darling oldest son, Duke #1.

Being the only conservative in a family of liberals (although in truth, I'm never too sure about the political leanings of the dog - he's such a waffler), this is the phrase he mutters under his breath whenever I introduce new, healthy, 'natural' philosophies or items that I believe could seriously improve our lifestyle. Like chiropractic manipulations.

Or bee pollen supplements.

Or arugula.

If it is vaguely unusual, strange or just an infinitessimal degree left of center, it is deemed HVDB.

Needless to say, then, that it drives him mad that I even waste my time reading my daily horoscope. Way too Woo-Woo-Out-There.

For heaven's sake, Dude - it's just entertaining - I'm not considering it to be my mandate nor gleaning secret encoded information into my life path here.

As a nod to the brilliant and wickedly hilarious Mental P Mama, I will use one of her literary devices and share the sage advice of our local papers' resident seers for me and my fellow Scorpios, in light of my recent cross-country adventure to the Great Virginia Blogfest of Oh 9.

Paper 1: " You'll love any opportunity to explore philosophy, religion, and politics or discuss other countries and different cultures. You're equally as enthusiastic about travel plans or anything to do with publishing and media. You're gung ho* about exploring new ideas!"

[*gung ho: local Cantonese word meaning 'crazy in the brainpan']


Paper 2: "Connect with people who come from different backgrounds and you will get a much broader view of the possibilities that exist. Spending time with old friends may be fun but it won't open your mind and inspire you."

Whoa.

I know, right? Kinda eerie.

In a sand-candle/incense/Ouija Board sort of way.

I have spend the last 3 days exploring, connecting, listening and absorbing at my own personal Bloggy Woodstock. I am now just trying to find the way to process it all without popping that magical bubble that envelops it.

And let me tell you something - more than flaxseed, more than acai berries, more than even yoga - it was one of the most beautiful, healthy, Hippy VooDoo Bullsh*t things I have chosen to bring into my life.

More to come - I just have to wait for tomorrow's horoscope.