Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I Have a New Job!

The Baroness has had many, many 'career paths' in her lifetime: chambermaid, file clerk, modelling agency receptionist, lab technician...

But one of the jobs I'm most excited about is the one I'm about to undertake - Interwebs Spokesperson for the Mathews County Tourist Bureau.

Not that there is a current opening for this position, but in times like these it's all about the entrepreneurialism , non?

What got me all excited about this endeavor is a recent guided tour around the town. Well, more specifically, its beaches.

I will tell you right here and now, people - the potential for tourism is enormous.

Rather than just blather on and on, I'll just give you a sampling of the mock press-release I will forward along with my resume:
Mathews County - OH! Natural
As summer approaches, and the amount of clothing worn decreases in direct proportion to the increasing heat and humidity, women are faced with one of their most unpleasant personal grooming tasks - harvesting all of that unwanted winter hair.

Shaving never seems to get it all, and let's be honest - those of us with that less-than-perfect eyesight always seem to miss entire swatches.

And waxing?
One word - YEEOUCH!

But now, there is a solution that is effective, painless, and virtually effortless.

It is a little-known secret that I'm going to let you in on -

Bethel Beach Natural Area Preserve.

Through 'The Magic of Mathews', all you need do is squat,

she's multi-tasking and she doesn't even know it!

and, voila! The hair will spontaneously just fall off your body into a neat pile:

Behold the immaculate pubis pile - so tidy!

No muss, no fuss.

No clogged drains; no Liquid Plumber required!

Here at Bethel Beach, we are green as green can be!

Like any miracle, the secret can't last forever - it's already starting to catch on among the local counties, as evidenced by last week's increase in volume (ho, ho, ho!!):

Satisfied visitor Shelley J of Richmond writes, "It was the most unbelievable thing! I'll surely be back next summer!"

Isn't it time you come to Bethel Beach to preserve your natural area?

We'll see you there."
OK, OK, it might need a little tweaking.

But it's good, right?

Wish me luck!


Living on the Spit said...

You should have prefaced this post with a warning: DO NOT HAVE LIQUIDS IN YOUR MOUTH WHEN READING THIS POST!!!

I about had a coronary from laughing so hard.

Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. said...

Oh yes I think you will get that job!!

Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. said...

Gosh - where have I been??

baronessvonb said...

Countess of The Land Mass: I get that alot. Maybe I should also post for the non-existent Surgeon-General's job...

Countess Noe Noe: I have a good feeling about it. A good, smooth-ish feeling... ;)

Anonymous said...

Hahahahaha!!! OK that's it, no waxing or shaving for ME! All I need is a beach day.

Anonymous said...

"Janice? What is all this pubic hair doing on the beach?" --is one of the memorable quotes that sticks in my head from last weekend!

Mental P Mama said...

Brazilians on the Chesapeake. Pure genius.

big hair envy said...

Bwahahahaha! **she says as she spits Diet Mt. Dew onto her keyboard**

Daryl said...

Oh I just LAUGHED and the reaction was similar to the SHARK cry ... lots of weird looks .. as if working on a broken link to an extremely important website wasnt worth a giggle or a gasp

I need a vacation ... I need to go to Mathews ... now .. tho I would like to be teleported and not have to drive ..

baronessvonb said...

Countess V-Killah: Forget your stinkin' camping trips,dear! The beach is where all the cool kids are.

Countess Meg: Well, one of my favorite Dean Martin songs is "Memories Are Made of This". Although I don't think he was talking about mounds of merkins...

Countess Mama: Maybe we could run a day spa out of your new Waverly Lane house, with trips to Bethel as a spa 'exclusive'...

Just thinkin'.

Countess BHE: Sheesh - second reaction like that today. Is there some defective VA gene?

Countess NYAWK: If I ever get possession of my shared brain back, I'll get to work lickety-split on that teleporter.
Because, let me tell you, 14 hours doth sucketh greatly.

Country Girl said...

Oh. My. God. That's hilarious!!

Cormac Brown said...

Now that's just silly...

Anonymous said...

What do you mean "possession of the shared brain"? Clearly, you are in complete control of said brain... witness the post above! I fear you took my half of the brain when you walked away from me in baggage claim... (poetic...non?)

Now... perhaps a tag line about exfoliation... "Smooth your mess with BBS" (Bethel Beach Sand)?

Let me know when it's my turn with the brain.

baronessvonb said...

Erstwhile Travelling Companion O'Mine: Hardy, har and har, my darling woman. You are SO going to be my Co-Interwebs Press Secretary!
With lines like yours we can rule the world! (or at least as far as King and Queen County!!) Love ya, friend. xxoo

PS How many people have you told the baby story to? I well up every damn time. So beautiful. Lucky us.

baronessvonb said...

Countess CG: Well, I can't take pict-oors worth a damn, so I better be amusing some other way...

Count Cormac: Isn't it just?

Grandma J said...

You are a shoo-in for the position! Too funny!

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

If only we had taken a shot of someone with it hanging out of their, well, bikini area like we used to do when we were kids.

Mathews is probably the only beach with public hair. Lots and lots o' public hair.

You've got the job. I've already talked to the visitor center/tourism folks. When can you start?

baronessvonb said...

Countess CBW: I'll be there tomorrow!

(and will promptly hit Bethel Beach so I can be like my word verification: Evesse)

formerly fun said...

Oh my, how you can talk of the nether regions and still remain so dignified, it's a talent I'm sure.

BTW, I am stealing the Barbie picture sure to repost somewhere down the line since I am after all a chacha waxer.

Audrey at Barking Mad said...

Must come back later to leave a more coherent comment when I'm not laughing so hard!

TSannie said...

I just spit my tea across the table! You are too funny! And it did look like mass-waxing residue...ewwwww!

baronessvonb said...

Countess Grandma: You seem to have charmed most of Mathews County - put in a good word, will ya?

Countess FF: 'ChaCha Waxer'? Oh my good lord. Do you have this and 'Manscaper' on your bidness cards?

I especially like the sexy pink pumps that the wax-ee is wearing, because when I'm having the hair yanked from my no-no, I want to look stylish...

Countess Audrey: Oh, don't leave!
Incoherent comments are just as fun!

Countess Annie: I'm thinkin' I better get me some insurance for all the keyboards I'm wrecking - I think that's 3 so far...

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