Get The Flock Out of Here

In today's 'Torn From the Headlines Tuesday':

"Lambasting: [editor's note: oh, ho, ho - now this is clever!]
Shepherds angry over EU animal-product rulings

Shepherds shout anti-government slogans while they hold a sheep head in the front of the Romanian Finance Ministry in Bucharest, Wednesday. Some 500 shepherds protested against new European Union rules on selling animal products, saying a requirement that milk, cheese and meat products be packaged and certified by food-safety officials will make it harder for them to sell their products...Later they met with Romanian officials for discussions."

One topic of discussion was market terminology, i.e. the criteria under which one could be referred to as an actual 'shepherd'. If the existing definition indeed were to infer one who was tending to the well-being of a flock, a subsequent discussion ensued as to who was ultimately responsible for looking after the sheep whose head was being flayed about during the protest.

It was ruled, among the 500 'shepherds' present, that their current number would be amended to 499, with money collected for Vlad Brzlanowicz to take the bus home to his rural village.

Further discussions yielded satisfactory results for both parties. Talks concluded peacefully around noon with the Finance Ministry's discreet and unsactioned purchase of said sheep's head, a bucket of maggoty entrails and a local delicacy consisting of salted ram testicles and headcheese.

When asked to comment as to who came out victorious in the debate, one elected official was quoted as saying "Mmmmm...Nu se poate opri mincind sa vorbeasca."

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In other news, an inexplicable outbreak of e-coli on this week brought the Romanian Finance Ministry to its knees for three days after a celebratory luncheon went awry.

When asked for a comment, one food safety officer - at first appearing to be quietly deliberating over his answer, moaned "Brzlanowicz!" and promptly threw up.

Scientifically Proven

Part I of a new 'Baroness Sporadic Series' - "Torn From the Headlines Tuesday"...

"Marijuana can cause psychosis in healthy users: Study"

Scientists at the Institute Of Psychiatry at King's College in London made this earth-shattering discovery a result of testing on 22 healthy men in their late 20s.

Namely, the 22 scientists at the IOP at King's College.

Methodology involved giving placebo injections to some subjects while administering a dose of THC to others. It was observed that there existed a link between the active chemical in marijuana and hallucinations which left the sufferers 'unable to know what is real and what is imagined'.

After a post-trial celebration feast of Big Gulps, taquitos, several dozen donuts, nacho chips , 30 Megabags of strawberry Twizzlers and five throw pillows perceived to be giant blue marshmallows, team leader Dr. Paul Morrison concluded "...findings confirm that THC can induce a transient acute psychological reaction in psychiatrically well individuals."

Dr. Morrison's statement incurred the wrath of another team member, Dr. Robert "Bonghead"
Percival-William.

"Pauly, you bloody douchebag. Shut the f*ck up already with all this 'crazy' talk - you are so harshing my buzz - I was just about to make my patented moves on Dr. Sexy over there - that supermodel scientist has been quietly ogling me from her little corner for years!"

To which Dr. Morrison leaned forward into this reporter's microphone and with a raised eyebrow solemnly intoned, "Proof positive."

"The 'Dr. Sexy' Percival-William is referring to is our laboratory's human skeleton."