Showing posts with label what the hell were you thinking?. Show all posts
Showing posts with label what the hell were you thinking?. Show all posts

Monday, January 25, 2010

Freaks and Geeks

There are two things running througn my head this morning:

1. I can't remember #1, right now (we'll get back to it)(maybe), and
2. My love/ hate relationship with technology is swinging to the hate.

Let me explain.

In younger days, when I was in the thick of the scientific community, I was just like every other lab nerd - I oohed and ahhed over every new gizmo and doodad that cropped up. (and if it came with a free lunch and demo from the sales rep - so much the better. We'll take two).

But even then I knew.

I understood that with every amazing feature in the 'plus' column on the spec sheet, there would be a down side. A side not really talked about, a side that could potentially be used for dire purposes rather than the beneficial.

Because, technology - by and large - is a double-edged sword.

I think that, lately, the thing that is messing everyone up (OK, messing ME up, specifically) is the Internet.

True, it can be a glorious thing. It can make connections possible where they could never have possibly existed before. Case in point - the extraordinary group of women I met through our interconnected sites, and ultimately met up with in real life at last summer's Virginia BlogFest.
And all the other readers I've blended (blog +friend = blend) with since I started. Like Babs. And Cormac. Vegetable Assassin. And the 'Initials': BA, FF, NATUI. Even newer ones, like Ti . It has been nothing but pleasure getting to know them.

If luck is the intersection when timing and opportunity meet, then I would have to say that all these blogospheric collisions were very opportunistic, indeed.

But then there's the downside.

My case in point here? MySpace. Ack.

I joined this group for one purpose - to send a note of appreciation directly to someone's e-mail. That's it. (Of course, it would have been lovely if it was acknowledged, but really - who am I kidding? It should be enough that it was jettisoned out into the ether for its original intention)(Note the 'should be' here; I am completely irked by bad manners)(And you, bad-mannered one? You know who you are).

Needless to say, I should have got in, got it done, and got out.

But I didn't. I stayed. Lazy? Probably. Delusional? Absolutely.

What I ended up with is a slew of creepy oddballs, sending me declarations of love and passion and claiming that I was their soul mate, charting our future together like some possessed tarot card reader.

It didn't really matter that I had said, in as many ways possible, that I was married. I was HAPPILY married. I had been HAPPILY MARRIED for a LONG TIME. At one point, I was thinking of changing my name to I AM F*CKING MARRIED. After a short reflection on that, I realized that the only thing that would be noticed and flagged was the F*CKING, and I would end up with more men looking for a woman who bold enough to claim herself an adultress. Gah.

People are idiots.

I spent more time than I should have being polite. The first few 'friends' were the lucky ones. I answered back that I was in no way interested in pursuing ANYTHING, and wished them well on their pursuit of happiness.

The next batch got a message that crapped all over them for not reading anything, but merely looking at a picture and believing that destiny had waved its magic wand.

I even went so far as to change my profile picture to this:

Things did start to slow down - but not by much. I guess there are a lot of lonely men out there, looking for love with horse-faced dowagers. Maybe it' the challenge of getting through all those layers. I don't know.

They were ridiculous.

The whole exercise was ridiculous.

And oh, yeah - now I remember my Item 1 from the top of the post:

I'm ridiculous.

*******************************

Tune in next Monday for the beginning of a Baroness mini-series: My City Mondays. It will be a little glimpse into the who, what, where and possible why (but more likely why not?) of the 2010 Winter Olympics.

That happen to be - oh yeah - in my city.


Monday, January 5, 2009

Of Bleach and Chainsaws

Well, it's the first Monday after the holiday season.

For a lucky few, this will be their first day back at work.

Productivity will no doubt plummet today, as people loiter around each other's cubicles and coffee makers, regaling each other with tales of family fesitivities and debaucherous New Year's Eve parties.

But the hottest ticket in the Western World for front row seats around the water cooler HAS to be at the Butterball Turkey Customer Helpline call center. The stories that abound at this little hell-on-earth make me almost want to work there.

Note that I said almost. (Although the free turkey thing is mighty enticing...)

Examples of actual questions called in* [and Baroness' reponse in ptomaine pink italics]:

."I don't want touch the giblets. Can I fish them out with a coat hanger?" [Yes]

."Can you thaw a frozen turkey using an electric blow dryer? Or by wrapping it in an electric blanket? In the aquarium with my tropical fish? In the tub while the kids are having a bath?"
[No, no, no and hell no]

."The family Chihuahua is inside the turkey and can't get out" [Enlarge the opening manually & extract the dog. Serve with a nice Cabernet and green beans. Buy St. Bernard]

."I need to drive 2 hours with my frozen turkey before I cook it. Will it stay frozen if I tie it to the luggage rack on the roof of my car?" [No if you live in Florida, Hawaii, or Arizona]

."I scrubbed my raw turkey with a toothbrush dipped in bleach for three hours. Is that enough to kill all the harmful bacteria?" [The heat of the oven is what kills the bacteria; bleach will make it inedible, yet with that mouth-watering hospital aroma. Ditch it, you CSI wanna-be freakazoid. Turkey hot dogs, anyone?]

."I didn't want to cook the whole turkey, so I cut it in half with a chainsaw. How do I get the chainsaw oil out of the turkey?" [Again, while we admire your pioneering spirit and your brave foray into mixed media, deep six the art instillation and eat out - I think 7-11 has some burritos that have only been under the heat lamp for 8 hours or so]

Wow.

Who says there are no stupid questions?

Butterball Call Center, I salute you. You stay at that watercooler as long as you damn well want to.

*courtesy of "The Best of the Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader".
 
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