Sunday, May 25, 2008

I'm Sorry, Naomi

Dear Naomi Judd:

I'm sorry. It was me. And I said it. And I'm hoping, through the miracle of the blogosphere, this message magically finds it way to you.


The back story, for all of you who do not have the good fortune to be either Naomi Judd or the Baroness:

Once upon a time, the Baroness had a friend, the Countess of Yik Yak. The Countess' husband was a mucketty-muck for a national music/electronics chain, and as a matter of course would be given VIP tickets to various concerts/symposiums/conferences.

One day, the Countess called to tell the Baroness that they would be going to an all-day event called "The Power of Women". Throughout the day, there would be various inspirational female role models who would tell their stories. They would share their humble beginnings, and how they made their way up in the world to become Women of Influence.

Included would be fascinating speakers such as Dr. Mae Jemison, the first black female NASA astronaut. Anita Roddick, founder of The Body Shop, and reknowned activist and philanthropist would regale us with stories from making soap in her kitchen to travelling to Africa to find just the right nut oil product for her gajillion dollar cosmetic and skin care empire.

From the entertainment world, there would be Kathy Buckley, a deaf comedienne; Leslie Stahl, veteran reporter, and for the grande finale - none other than Miss Naomi Judd, beloved country and western superstar.

Now the Countess of Yik Yak is a C&W lover. And to her, the high point of the day would be hearing Ms. Judd. For me, there were many high points. None of which included Ms. Judd, as I was completely unfamiliar with her life, her music, or her health issues.

I thrilled at hearing Dr. Jemison, seeing as how I'm such a geek and all. I loved Anita Roddick, she with her hippy dippy demeanour cloaking a stealthy, astute business magnate. I wasn't crazy about Leslie Stahl - I kind of found her a little bit under prepared, like maybe she was jettisoned in at the last minute.

Oh, did I mention that according to the rules sent out by the Countess, we had to sit in the front row? And really, who was I to argue? I was there on her coin, and it was, by and large,
a pretty amazing day.

By 3 pm, everyone has spoken except for the Nashville Sweetheart. The Countess is beside herself with anticipation, waiting for the announcer to finish her intro. An-n-n-n-d here comes Naomi, purposefully walking onto center stage, to thunderous applause and a standing ovation.
(Why exactly are we standing? Oh, okay - if it makes you happy, Countess).

This Judd specimen is tiny. Positively avian. The chicken cordon bleu I had for lunch might have weighed more than she does.

And her face is just, well - in my estimation - too perfect.

So, amidst the cacophony of sound as she stands there, basking in the glow, I lean over to the Countess, and in the whispiest of whispers say directly into her ear, "Do you think she's had a face lift? She looks kind of pinchy".

The Countess smiles demurely, and decides against saying anything back to me, as the noise has now reached fever pitch and I would not possibly be able to hear her reply.

Naomi's music is blaring in the background, and wait! She's coming down into the crowd, glad handing, high-fiving, I mean really working. the. room. This woman is an entertainer to the extreme. All of those years of State Fairs and Rodeos have paid off. She goes all the way to the back, to the women who will be forced to watch her on 2 jumbo trons on either side of the stage.

She loves them. They love her. She loves them loving her. It is one huge stroke-o-rama.

She then gets back up on stage, and everyone starts to settle down.

"Before I give y'all my little talk today, I'd like to just tell you how glad I am to be here" (the crowd again goes nuts, then settles).

"You know, working on stage every night, I have to tell you that I have developed, over the years, the ability to hear things that are being said from anywhere in the room."

"Like when I first came out here, I heard someone say 'Do you think she's had a face lift?' ".

Well, crap, Naomi. That would be me.

Me. Front row.

Right next to the Countess, laughing so hard she's about to have a Depends moment.

So, I'm sorry, Naomi.




16 comments:

Mental P Mama said...

Oh that is so funny. And to answer your question, Yes, she has.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess MPM: Well, I thought so - but I was too mortified to re-ask at the time...

Not Afraid to Use It said...

OMG I practically pissed myself! That is too damned funny! And here you thought making fun of the nameless chick in the jeans was bad. This woman HEARD you!! Talk about a karma-slap! I hope she took it with a smile, and a hell YEAH I've had work done! LOL Love ya babe!!

baronessvonb said...

Countess NATUI: You must understand that this event happened more than a few years back, when I was not as in control of my inner monologue. Plus, I really could not even imagine in my wildest nightmares that she would be some superhero freak with bat ears.

Momma said...

Ooh, that sounds like something I would do! Too bad you got busted, of course, you could have said, "Well, did you?" :-)

Peace - D

Anonymous said...

Countess of Yik Yak here. One thing the Baroness left off was the fact that Naomi was standing almost smack dab in front of us when she made that comment. So I'm thinking maybe we should learn sign language. Of course she probably has that skill hidden under her nurses hat.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess Momma: It's not like I got busted in the conventional sense; I just felt the hot burning shame whose name is Naomi.

Countess of Yik Yak: Darling!! Perhaps you'd like to tell everyone WHY she was smack dab in front of us.
Because YOU made us sit up front. And no doubt she's got mad sign language skills - what exactly does this woman NOT do?

Candy said...

Freakin' Awesome!

Did she answer? Cause if she didn't, there are things mis-aligned in the universe.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess Candy: She, in fact, did say she had not had work done. Kudos to her for addressing the question (surely I wasn't the only one who) thought.

Lisa said...

I didn't realize you were talking about Mother Judd until you said how tiny she was. I thought to meself, "that daughter is NOT very tiny." Ooops.

So were you at all impressed by her speech? ....Barbra Peapod

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess Babs: Hellooooo again, dear blend! Welcome back! So, you were initially thinking of Why-noh-ner, were ya?

Truth be told, she's a magnificent and charismatic public speaker. She spoke about her health challenges w/hepatitis, and I can see how she could be very inspirational.

Maggie, Dammit said...

PAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!

Best story ever.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Countess Maggie: So good, in fact, that I was compelled to send it directly to Naomi@NaomiJudd.com, to ask her directly. Just to hedge my bets. Strangely enough, I have not heard back...

Writeprocrastinator said...

You rock.

It's clear cut, plain and simple.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Count WP: It's true. Naomi's a little bit country, I'm a little bit rock and roll. ;)

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