Friday, February 13, 2009

Think of England

Opening scene:
Suburban family room, Anytown.

Pan over married couple sitting side by side on loveseat, watching the BBC version of "Wife Swap".

Couple is comfortably snuggled against each other, relaxed, joking.

Pan to television - stay here to allow viewers to appreciate scene to follow.

"Wife" 1 of Wife Swap - a single mom - instructs students on the fine art of pole-dancing, works out of her home (replete with poles in the living area), and teaches her children the fine art of self-sufficiency and independance.

Wife 2, from the inner city, is a stay-at-home mom who babies her hubby and adult children and insists that her lot in life is to cater to the men-folk, and she's happy to do so.

Scene 2:
Zoom in on television screen as Wife 2 prepares lunch for her family.

Her rib-sticking creation of Bangers and Mash looks not unlike a World War II sea bomb, something like this:

except with a moat of baked beans floating around the circumference of the mashed potatoes.

Suburban Husband Watching TV: (look of utter revulsion on his face like he's just walked in on Granny bumping nasties with her elderly "gentleman caller")
Oh. My. Gawd. Would you look at that? Who in their right bloody mind would eat something like that?

(sound of silence - clock ticking, dog snoring, crickets chirping)

Baroness? Did you hear what I said? Who would eat that? Would YOU eat that?

Suburban Wife Watching TV: (look of cherubic peace on her face)
In a heartbeat.

Suburban Husband (mouth agape, continued look of "I don't even know you" revulsion)

(End scene)

****
And thus presents the metaphysical illustration of the difference between The Baron and Baroness.

The culinary upbringings.

He: Hearty peasant food, diner-esque entrees, salad at every dinner. Shortribs, stir-fries, pot roast, spagetti & meatballs, ice cream, cookies.

She: Creamy, gloppy goo on a plate/in a bowl; high on beige, low on green. Beans on toast, shephard's pie, irish stew, roast beef & yorkshire pudding, custards, tapioca, rice pudding, lemon snow.

While she has ventured into his territory, he has no interest whatsoever in sharing her rich Celtic heritage.

Her rich, gut-busting, arterial-clogging Celtic heritage.

Whateth uppeth with that?



15 comments:

imom said...

One day I will post about the food issues at my house. Let's just say, it's not pretty.

Baroness von B said...

Countess iMom: I'm intrigued...

Sandi said...

Sorry--I have to take your hubby's side on this.

{i}Post said...

I would totally eat that. As a matter of fact, I thought you snuck in my home a took a picture of our dinner just last night.

*smooch*

Paul Brazill said...

"Give us splash/ of the bangers and mash ...like mother used to make."

Mental P Mama said...

I will do my level best to get you the right food items on our summertime roadtrip;)

Cormac Brown said...

I have no quarrel with the bangers and mash, as I have admitted often my love of all things, meat and potatoes. My problem is capping all of that off with baked beans and I would not want to be in the same room, let alone the same zipcode, as that family.

BTW, the Baron is a poor deprived person that should be educated as soon as possible.

Leah Marie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leah Marie said...

I think you forgot to mention that there have been some interesting things that the Baron has had to eat because of....ahem.
My momma has apparently learned the trade too... =(

thetravelingb said...

where's my bib I'm good to go. Have rolaids will travel. probably without the baked beans.........

Bubs said...

Did anyone say whether or not beer would be involved? Because I could make quite a dent in that plate if I'd been drinking.

Sober, I wouldn't look at it twice.

formerly fun said...

The food itself? Not so bad but can't it be presented more appetizing, that just looks like, well, I'm a lady(kind of) so I won't elaborate. The word bobbitt comes to mind.

asthmagirl said...

I could totally get on board with your heritage!

Not Afraid to Use It said...

We are a house divided, and spend glorious moments in both. Lovely bangers and mash, and homemade salmon croquettes paired with white wine and imported Swedish dill sauce. Who says you can't have your cake and eat too?

Baroness von B said...

Countess Sandi: I still like you. Although I can't understand you.

Countess iPost: Yay, you! What time's dinner tonight, and what goo is on the menu?

Count of Brazill: The fact that you actually have a "Bangers and Mash" song in your repetoire is very impressive!

Countess MPM: Anything canned and brownish from the Piggly Wiggly will do just fine! I'll bring the opener.

Count Cormac: Short of slipping roofies in his salad dressing, there is no way no how that the Baron will EVER eat this combo. It didn't work before, and really - why waste a perfectly good prescription?

Countess Schmee: Because of....? Out with it, you sassy whippersnapper! Your GRANDMOTHER? Let us not besmirch the name of the Bubster. She is a good cooker.

Countess of YY: Sigh. I'll finish the beans. Again.

Count Bubs: It appeared that the only bevvie offered was a stiff cup of tea. With a moat of baked beans floating around the saucer...

Countess FF: Believe me, hon - this picture is a vast improvement over what the original looked like.
It was substantially less Bobbitt, more Roto Rooter...

Countess AG: "And she knew, just by gazing at AG's food porn, that it was a match made in starch heaven..."

Countess NATUI: Cake? Did someone say cake?

 
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