Monday, April 20, 2009

Time to Go

It is a firm tenet within the vonBloggenschtern household that without rules, anarchy is just a whisper away.

So, while we haven't exactly created a gulag environment, we do maintain a certain structure and order and, thusly, have erected boundaries that have been carefully chosen for both their intellectual merit and common sensical value.

Take the vonB policy on the social contract involving weddings, for example.

(I love weddings, by the way. Without fail, I tear up when the bride makes her entrance. Just lovely.)

The Baron and I will always give a gift equivalent of at least the cost (plus a little) of the catered meals provided to us. We are, however, not really big on large soirees. It could be because we don't like noisy crowds. It could be because neither of us can stand not being the center of attention.

Regardless, we have devised a non-negotiable exit strategy. And it does not involve:
a) drunk babysitters (our 'children' are 16 & 19 year old boys- this fascinating scenario we would just let run its natural course),
b) early flights, or
c) feigned illness.

It's strictly legit.

Should the bride and groom's choice of DJ deign to play any of these songs: "La Bamba", "Pretty Woman", or "Old Time Rock and Roll"?

We are outta there.

To us, the trotting out of these old chestnuts is the beginning of the end, anyway. We feel that should the evening be proceeding so abysmally that these songs need to be played, the DJ is clearly losing the crowd and is making a desperation ploy to get all of the old folks out on the floor.

You know the ones.

The plaid-polyester-panted, pommaded uncles and the bosomy, chiffon-0-rama aunties.

The 'Funky Chicken' crowd.


So once we hear the first "Duh Duh Duh Duh duh duh duh" keyboard intro and begin to envision Tom Cruise sliding around in his tighty whities, we're gone.

We once actually left the reception just after the first dance.

"Pretty Woman, walkin' down the street"...

Pretty vonB's, walkin' to their car.

Sad, really.

(The choice of music, I mean)

I've now decided that another rule is to be established within vonB world.

This pertains to the "news" about the flagging economy.

What. The. Hell?

This is life, people. This is not news, any more than "This just in - there is air outside" or "Today at dawn, the sun rose. Sources reveal it may set at dusk. News at 11."

I've now decided that any time I read or hear the following phrases: "In this economic climate",
"In these tough times", "During our current recession", I no longer will continue reading or listening.


I'm down to listening to All Traffic Radio, and watching my old "Gumby and Pokey" videos.

Just, of course, until this financial downturn rights itself.


Time to go.


Anonymous said...

What a fun post. It meanders hither and thither and never gets boring.

Imaginative and funny as hell . . .

. . . unlike our current financial woes.


Great job!

Bubs said...

You lured me in with tales of unforch wedding music, and then grabbed me for good with Gumby and Pokey.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Count Cheeky: That's me - all hither and thither and lovin' it.

Count Tiki: Thank you for validating my opinion about these sad songs. You are in a minority, my friend, and aligning with me might be dangerous. Orbison fans are zealots. Sheesh.

sara-grey said...

But the entrance song is pretty woman, when ZPN and I walk out together it was going to be to la bamba, first dance - you guessed it - old time rock and roll. I guess we are going to have to change the entire line-up. damn, and I thought I was just about done with this planning.

Patty Cakes said...

you who love polka music would leave on the chicken dance pish posh and cluck cluck.......I love chicken dance it is right up there with SHOUT and YMCA....I say booyah for tradition...oh yeah that is another great wedding song. Trust me sister if ZPN and Future Mrs ZPN choose to play those songs you will have to go through me first be for you leave and i strong like ox

Mental P Mama said...

I really must be getting old, because weddings just don't do it for me anymore. Oh, and you left out that Electric Slide song. Gah.

♥~♥ Tracey ♥~♥ said...

I made that decision a long time ago. The joke around my neighborhood is that I NEVER watch the news. EVER. Weather only.

I can't take it!

P.S. I changed URL- now


Anonymous said...

Beloved Baroness...
How I enjoyed this post. It was the source of great mirth as the description of you and your charming spouse is so close to that of me and my beloved except...TOG does not do weddings. Someone might look at him. Nor does he do crowds or dancing. You were lucky to catch a brief glimpse of him!

formerly fun said...

At my wedding, we nixed the dj opting for strings for the down the aisle stuff and cocktail hour(it was outdoor wedding). Then after dinner, people did what they should do, drink gin and tonics and catch up. Not that the dj stuff isn't ok for other people but not that many people dance anymore and I wanted to keep things elegant. The only real wedding dancing I enjoyed was a friend of mine's wedding who had all the big band classics played and I danced the foxtrot with her 85 year old uncle who led so well, I actually looked like I knew how to do the foxtrot, which I didn't.

baronessvonb said...

Countess SPN: If it is up to me to get you thinkin' out of the box, when then (heavy sigh), so be it. Such a burden!

Countess P-Cakes: You are mistaken, my friend - I have nothing against the Chicken Dance - in fact this is perhaps one of my perennial favorites. And I know better than to mess with you - you have more freaky strength in your little sugar-laced pinky than a PCP addict.

Countess Mama: The Electric Slide might have been more of a US thing - we Canadians are oh so provincial - it's like a Jane Austen novel, I swear.

Countess Tracey: This is very good advice. I personally just read the funnies, my horoscope and the obits. And do the crosswords. The rest is just skimming.

Countess AG: Is TOG actually the Sasquatch? Because if he is, then Dayum! I've had coffee with Sasquatch. I feel blessed.

Countess FF: Your wedding reception sounds absolutely lovely. How thoughtful of you and your beloved.

As for the big band wedding, that sounds like a blast! I love those occasions that are inclusive of a multitude of generations. I would love to learn ballroom dancing from an old pro. My parents had friends who stopped everyone cold when they got on the dance floor - it was perfectly magical. And she always wore something flowy and chiffony. Ahh.

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