Torn from the Headlines Tuesday

So the Great Winter LoveFest of 2010 is now over, and thanks to the exceptional efforts of many - which made the last couple of weeks (and the week to come) an affair to remember - the love letters are still flowing in, fast and furious.

You like us.

You really, really like us.

Mostly.

From one of this morning's Vancouver papers:

"In case you don't read The Los Angeles Times, here's what esteemed sports columnist Bill Plaschke wrote on Sunday: 'Canada, you were gold. For two weeks, you lived your anthem, your hearts glowing like that moon that hung nightly over Burrard Inlet, a light on the front porch of a house that felt like a home.' "

Well, didn't that just get me a little misty-eyed?

Everyone, bar none, likes to be complimented on their choice of homey porch lighting.

And then I read a little further...

"In a related story, a British journalist complained that the stupid moon kept him up at night."

Oh, that stupid farking moon.

Add it to your litany of complaints. Another glaring oversight on our part.

So very, very sorry. Whatever could we have been thinking?

And yet again, I have gone from the thrill of successfully completing my hostess-y duties to the despair of actually having a moon in our Canadian solar system.

British newspaper dudes (especially you from The Times) - who the hell pissed in your pigs-in-a-blanket? For the most part, each and every day, you have behaved like petulant children. Stamping of feet, literary tantruming.

Dissing planets.

No one or no thing is beyond attack.

Now here, instinctually, I would love to tell you how relieved I am that you can all screw off and go back home. Back to the comfort of your climate (which is EXACTLY the f*cking same as ours), back to your overcrowded, polluted London and your pithy news posts.

And back to your g.d. moon.

Which apparently is of a smaller, more aesthetic wattage than ours.

I would love to tell you that I sincerely - in my glowing heart of glowing hearts - hope that there is some country who will take equal delight in crapping all over your 2012 Games.

But I won't.

Because, according to the rest of the free world, I'm a good hostess.

And I'm polite.

(Wanker.)

Stop Having Boring Tuna, Stop Having a Boring Life

So, normally (okay, semi-normally...)

(quasi-normally...)

(seldom normally....)

(shut up)

I would present my fascinating and insightful spin on world issues in 'Torn from the Headlines' Tuesday.

Today, however - although there are many, many headlines to draw from:

"Housing 'severely unaffordable' " [quotes family in accompanying photo, uncomfortably sharing their living room with their 60" flat-screen tv]

"Carney wary of Obama plan" [well, d'uh. What carnival worker wouldn't be leery of a proposal to bar financial institutions from engaging in proprietary trading. That could affect the local Money Tree, yo]

"Apple: It's all about the tablet" [Yeah, that's what Moses and Bayer thought, too. You're not as revolutionary as you think, Steve Jobs...]

... I will instead take the low road (virtually sub-terranean) and just cut and paste a little sumpin' sumpin' brought to my attention just this very minute (thank you, dear Audrey!)

While it does not have serious global implications, I am fairly certain that those of us who have ever been awake watching tv at 3:00 am will appreciate the timeliness and artistry.

Without further ado, something to either:

a) brighten up your Tuesday
b) give you epileptic fits





Happy Tuesday, one and all!

Ya Don't Hafta Be Jewish...

...to realize that this is SO not kosher, on so many levels....

Today's 'Torn From the Headlines Tuesday' feature article:

Artificial Meat grown in Laboratory, could be on plates in five years
by Nick Britten, Daily Telegraph

LONDON - The move towards artificially engineered food has taken a step forward after scientists grew a form of meat in a laboratory for the first time.

Researchers in Holland have created what was described as soggy pork and are investigating ways to improve the muscle tissue in the hope that people will one day want to eat it. [Editor's Note: Old El Paso and Taco Bell? I would strongly suggest that you start saving up now in order to afford the world's best marketing firm - ever] . The scientists have not tasted the product, [Editor's Note 2: Which lab rat is going to taste soggy pork? The newest hiree, that's who.] but it is believed the artificial meat could be on sale within five years. [Editor's Note 3: McRib, anyone??].

...The advent of meat grown in a laboratory could help to reduce the billions of tons of greenhouse gases emitted each year by farm animals....

Can't we just give them all Bean-o and be done with it?

Because given the choice, I'd rather be gassed in a greenhouse full of farts than eat soggy pork.

Just sayin'.

Oh, Babe

In today's 'Torn from the Headlines Tuesday':

"SYDNEY - A flatulent pig sparked [editor's note: oh, ho, ho] a gas emergency in southern Australia on Thursday when a farmer mistook its odours for a leaking pipe, officials said.

Fifteen firefighters and two trucks were called to a property at Axedale in central Victoria state after reports of a gas leak, the Country Fire Service said.

'When we got there, as we drove up the driveway, there was this huge sow, about 120-odd kilo sow [ed. note: approx 265 pounds], and it was very obvious where the gas was coming from,' said fire Captain Peter Harkins, adding they could also hear it." [ed. note: that last part was just kinda unnecessary to add. We all make sounds now and then. OK, well you do.]

In related news, an undisclosed farm in rural central Victoria area was the location of an impromptu charity barbeque, "The 1st Annual Ziffel Open" on Thursday evening, with proceeds going to the local Axedale chapter of the County Fire Service's Emergency Condiment Contingency Fund.

While initially neighbors had reported an odd, methane-like odor coming from a local farm, the smell soon gave way to the succulent aroma of pork ribs and bacon-wrapped tenderloin roasting on the coals. Grill master Peter Harkins, in a brilliant eco-political move, made the event a green one, by tapping into some gas source he just found 'lying around'.

He further declared the evening to be a wild success and not the 'boar' that some porcine farmers and their 120 kg wives had claimed it to be.